Look! No Hands!!

This semester has blown by like autumn leaves in the street. I can't say that im too sad about it either. I'm the type of girl who often doesn't take the time to enjoy the now. I'm always looking for the next leg of the journey cause what I have in the present never seems like enough. Like I want to press the fastforward button to get to the good part. but by doing that you always miss what a present the present actually is!

My challange lately has been to find out what living in the present looks like and letting the Lord deal with the important stuff that I would rather worry about. I will tell you right now, its hard to hand those things that you consider precious over to the Lord- if they were'nt important you would worry about them right? But a good friend of mine mention that by doing that its giving it to the person who can keep it safe the most. Almost like investment banking!! So I have given my "treasures" to the King and am going to see what He is going to do with them. I just have to make sure that everytime i feel the itch to worry about things to place it where it belongs,with Him.

So as such, the present has become my stomping ground and i really don't know what tomorrow holds. I just know that I'm going to appreciate each day as another step in the journey.

Wait for Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdlVFqI4rZo

Wait for Me by Theory of a Deadman

You are not alone tonight

Imagine me there by your side

It's so hard to be here so far away from you

I'm counting the days till I'm finally done

I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one

It feels like forever till I return to you

But it helps me on those lonely nights

It's that one thing that keeps me alive

Chorus: Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside

We hang up the phone without saying goodnight

Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home

It's never been easy to say

But it's easier when I've gone away

Chorus: Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and

It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Bridge: What I'd give

What I'd do

Knowing I'm not there for you

Makes it so hard to leave

What I'd give

What I'd do

Anything to get me home to you

And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having

And It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Watch me Work!

It takes a lot of strength to face your fears. Especially if it is fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of stepping out of anything that you find familiar and safe. But I think in life it is sometimes necessary for growth. I talk about this all the time- and yet it always seems like I sit on my words. I hope this time will not just be talk but will be the catalyst for a new reaction.

God is doing some rebuilding in my life, He is restoring what was destroyed and making things better than they were before. As He is doing all of this, it is not my job just to sit here and do nothing- no He has told me to be strong and work! Not just like working at a job or anything but I think work in the rebuilding and the sooner I get with the program the sooner we can move from point A to point B.

Honestly I'm not sure what this work looks like and I think that's half of the discovery process. And as goal oriented as I am I can't say that by any certain date will I know when the rebuilding will be done. All I know is that I am at a point where I am tired of hearing the call to work and I'm honestly not doing anything. Then I go and complain about things and well...maybe if I got a move on things honestly wouldn't be so bad as I think they are or at least I would have something different to look forward too.

So that is my goal- to work and help rebuild what was broken inside of me and not be disobedient by doing nothing for all this time.

My Best Friend's Wedding: Chicken Women

I hate movies with sad endings. I really don't like them because when I watch a movie I want to be entertained. I want to leave a little joyful, adrenaline rushed or with hope for tomorrow. Why? Cause Life is depressing enough!!! I don't want that reaffirmed when I'm being "entertained"!! So usually I will watch a sad movie once, even if the ending is really good, and not again cause it hurts too much. So you can see the problem as we watched My Best Friend's Wedding last night.

I wasn't oppose to watch it, I just knew I was going to cry. I warned them I was going to cry...and I did. I cried because I empathize so much with Julia Robert's character- well at least with what she felt. She knew her friend loved her for 9 years and for 9 YEARS did nothing but run away from her feelings and sit on them. When she finds out he was planning on marrying another girl she realizes how much she wants to be with him and though she gets a million chances in the movie that could have worked out in her favor she made up all these lies and didn't tell hm to the very last second where he obviously was chasing after his bride leaving her in the dust.

I hate that she did nothing for 9 years. I hate that she didn't take the chance to say what she really felt.I hate that her only other option ( she thought) instead of telling the truth was trying to ruin his life in hopes he would come to her in the end. Cause how many of us woman actually do that? Or atleast think about it - unless we develop balls of steel and just throw caution to the wind and take the risk!! I was talking to the friend and the question was wasn't he worth the risk? Sure you might get hurt, sure your heart may break but holding in your true feeling like that is the true self torture. Loving and letting them get away has to be a worse pain than any of that. It makes your heart hurt in ways you can't imagine.

Yet how many chances do we lose? Cause of our fear or pride. I think those really are the tools of Satan right there. Granted telling your true feelings is not a sure way to happily ever after, but it sure seems better than the not knowing. Than the what could have been.

All I know is that there are times when we are given chances- many more are lost than used I think. But every now and then, someone comes along and makes you regret every chance you have ever given up and you have to live with the decisions you have made while hoping for another one.

Learn the lesson or suffer the heartache people.

Low Tide

So much change is in the air and i can say it feels amazing.

Tomorrow starts the first day of my internship and its amazing- i know its going to be hard and a struggle at times but I'm so ready for it.

I'm starting to become a grown up and being a good steward of my money- I figured if God blessed me with it then he would want me to be responsible and not waste it. So i made a budget :)

My sibling are all now in all day school. The youngest just entered first grade yesterday and my parent's house is dead quiet. MOVIE TIME!!!

Lastly, something is coming...a big change and i can't put my finger on it. I half feel like I'm going crazy sensing things in my spirit but...its coming and its something good. Something exciting! Its like waiting for the tide to come in- i know whatever it is won't be here for a few months but its coming and i have to get ready some way as I wait on edge. I can't wait!

Summer Set

This weekend the summer is coming to a close- official only by the start of school. I have been waiting so long for it to end. I have enjoyed myself but at this point I feel like I have been living inside my head more than i can stand. The longer you sit still the longer you mull thoughts over, the more you do that the more dirt you dig up, the more you dig up the more pain you feel, the more pain the more baggage you realize you have. The sad part is that i want summer to end cause i know i will be super busy these last two semester so the more work the less time i will have to think about things i would rather forget you know?

Cutting ties, cutting strings and," I will see you when I see you". Actually it kind of hurts.

If you want to be honest, I'm happy its ending so i can stop faking whats really going on with me to people. I mean my close friends know, trusted people from church, if I love you I will tell you( if you ask me that is)- anyone else I will put on the smiley face, keep the answers vague and pretend what ever I have to be that the situation allows. Its not right but its what I do till i figure whats top and whats bottom or at least if i want to let you through the wall.

My summer has been amazing- crap and all. Cause I know God has been growing me and stretching me in ways that I'm sure will have meaning some day. I have spent many weeks with the most wonderful of friends laughing, talking about life, watching movies and playing RockBand. I have started serving at my church which has opened up a total new dimension to my life. My family is amazing right now and getting ready for school. And I am awaiting what will happen next as the Fall unfolds :)

Always a Woman

As I woke up this morning I found myself humming this song as it stuck in my head.Technically its before my time but I really like it anyway. I think it reminds me of a woman's strength and power and how we need to be careful with it. It also reminds me of just how stubborn my resolve can be when it comes to things, which I honestly count as a strength rather than a weakness. And in this time its that very God-given resolve that I am holding onto to push through this mess.

Billy Joel She's Always a Woman to me Lyrics: She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes She can ruin your faith with her casual lies And she only reveals what she wants you to see She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe you And she'll take what you give her as long it's free Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me CHORUS Ohhh... she takes care of herself She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time [ Find more Lyrics on www.mp3lyrics.org/bN ] Ohhh... and she never gives out And she never gives in, she just changes her mind And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me CHORUS She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree And the most she will do is throw shadows at you, But she's always a woman to me CHORUS

Silence

I guess its no coincidence when you find the perfect lyrics to describe your heart and also you're relationship with God.

Come Back to Me by David Cook

Trying Times

Maybe what matters isn't how the story ends, maybe just how it goes. Recently its felt like my heart has gone on lock down. I feel sort of lost and adrift. Broken.

I'm trying and trying to put in all these applications to find the job for me, its just a matter of ruling them out cause i know there is something out there for me. Meanwhile I have been trying to find something of myself. Its like the person everyone thought they knew was just a cheap outer shell and now that its shattered its up to me to figure out what is left. The other day i went to the book store and it was the first time in a long time when i took the time to just browse around. Usually my pattern has been to run to the Christian book section in order to find an answer to whatever was the matter with me. Like i have been in a constant search of fixing myself and problems. I'm starting to realize that maybe its not about fixing myself but about living and enjoying life. Like i had been focusing on my problems too much. Now I'm thinking that the only thing I have is letting God handle it all. As wonderful as that is I must admit i don't feel much joy in that right now. Cause everything though certain in His hands is up in the air for me. Maybe its another lesson in trust. I'm pretty sure thats what it is. On the upside however I can say that its very freeing for once. I'm free to discover myself and lost passion- some even that i never knew i had.

Even though I feel very tired and lost its still an exciting time. I do wonder what it will bring.

Portals and Doors

This summer thus far has been amazing. On one hand it feels like God has been pushing me and challenging me to go beyond the boundaries i made for myself. Somehow and some way He has been providing for everything left and right. Its truly been s great blessing. On the other hand it feels like suffering like someone is forcing you to stretch beyond what you can take, Its been good but its been really hard.

I've been but it a position where I have had to face the fact that my life is changing. I knew this before the semester ended but i still think that I had no idea to what magnitude it would go. So many chapters are closing. But its at times like this when we should stop staring at the door of our past that is behind us and look to the open door that's in front. The opportunities that await if we would just take the chance.

I mourn the friendships that may disintegrate. I'll miss so many things and experiences that have made my life so full these past couple years. It hurts to let go.

I don't like change. I can't stand it cause I like for things to be the way they were (unless its social change however). Consistency is safe and doesn't cause pain. But without change there isn't any growth. Without change you can't move forward. Without change you may never know who you were meant to be.

So at the beginning of my last undergrad year that is ever pressing before me, I will walk through the door of change without any regrets, many fears and many dreams wondering what to do next with only the Lord as a guide.

The adventure continues!

Alice

I got some disconcerting news yesterday pertaining to something important to me. I thought I would be mad or extremely tearful or something but i wasn't. More or less it feels like a rock got thrown in my road and i just have to figure out how to get around it without turning into a * insert curse here* Its actually quite an interesting series of events and i wonder what God wants to do. hmm I guess more or less my closing words would be

You don't know me as well as you think you do :)

Alice is falling into Wonderland...but i wonder which character am I?

Present State

Alana Grace - Black Roses Red lyrics

Hope of tomorrow has taken me captive and in its arms I hope to stay. This song inspires me to jump off the edge of fear and into the unknown with only God to catch me. ;)

My Baby's Got a Secret

The day has finally come to gear up for my mission...or summer project as you could call it. What is it? Well honestly I can't really tell you- otherwise it might have to hurt someone lol. But with any faith i should say rather than luck you will see the fruit of the project by the end of the summer. I'm Feeling like God has given me the green light on some stuff. I'm excited but at the same time I'm not sure how to go about things. Its the whole walking by faith and not by sight concept. Its like when the Israelites were entering the promise land- God told them that He would deliver their enemies into their hands( Deut 7).Yay, right? Of course but the thing is they still had to go out and fight! They still had to do some work and then God would deliver them into their hands. But if you read on in the Book of Joshua they were filled with all sorts of unbelief and fear- they felt that their enemies were too numerous and they couldn't defeat them. God told them not to fear and that He would be with them and they would win if they had Faith (Joshua 14:8-9,14). That's my boat.

I'm learning to be bold, to walk in faith, and fight for my promises even when no one else really believes you or thinks you are crazy. Joshua and Caleb believed God wholeheartedly and were only 2 guys- the rest of the Israelites wanted to stone them and didn't believe them. Paul went to preach the Gospel and many of the disciples didn't believe him since he used to be the murder of many Christians- well , he went out and preached anyway as one man. It inspires me to complete my task and to go out as just 1 girl. We will see what happens even as I find that my mission may not be what i even thought or expected. Its going to be fun, its going to be scary and hopefully full of wonderful things to come.

cryptic? I know- but i guess its for me to know and you to wait and watch for :)

Try and Stop Me!

Things may not be the best but that doesn't mean people have to lay down and die. Even though its hard, sometimes we have to dig our feet in and do the best we can with what we have. I want a life of joy- in the good times and bad. I want to keep pressing forward even when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I want to live. Now.

A Few Goals for the Summer:

-Lose that stupid and stubborn 5lbs

-Get closer to friends

- Get to the beach one way or another!!!

-Study Japanese more...before Amy kills me

-Read the books I own that are collecting dust

- Go out dancing

-Get a bit more courage to do what I fear

-Delight in who I am, regardless of others :)

- Oh yeah...and finding a second job might be a good idea too! 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

Under Water

Why must it be so hard just to live? I know life pushes and grows us but sometimes it seems so hard to break through the surface of the crap and enjoy it. It's even harder when someone you love is in pain and you can't help them or make the right decisions for them, or even know what the right decisions look like.

One of the closest people in my life, one of my soul mates, is being assaulted by a a guy at work. She is in a situation that doesn't seem like it has an out- or at least one that doesn't result in him coming after her and hurting her for revenge. It has gotten to the point that it has been affecting her daily life. She sometimes gets super depressed and in that depression thinks about contemplating suicide. Can you imagine how it feels to have someone you care for come and tell you that they would rather die than see tomorrow? A real reality check! Fortunately these are just thoughts and not actions but still... Now she wants to do her best to get away for a little while, which is good except that you shouldn't have to run away from you life to feel safe. No one should have to go through that.

Options at this point aren't that easy she feels, considering that this guy is a super higher up in the company so if she even wanted anything to happen legally they would more likely sweep it under the rug and she would lose her job. I really wish she would quit cause this job isn't worth your life or value as a person. I wish she would see that God has so much for her- I see it all the time. If she knew how much she was loved and how he would lend her strength and take care of her if she wanted. And while I'm there for her always, I can't live her life for her. I can only suggest things for her and show her God's love and pray.

Even though I know my God will come in and save the day, even when it seems like the darkest hour, I still hate feeling so helpless. Prayers for strength, and guidance are always welcome.

Searching for Mr.Darcy

Pride & Prejudice is one of the best stories ever told and one of my favorite movies. But how often do women long to be like Elizabeth Bennett; to be plucked out of a crowd and loved completely by a man like Mr.Darcy? How often do we find ourselves longing or searching for our own Mr.Darcy? I think the answer is ALL THE TIME.The idea was brought up by Ms. Huckaby who is writing a screenplay on the concept. But the funny part is that while we long to find our Mr.Darcy, isn't it up to him to find us?

Not that I'm knocking feminism but more often than not I know women who want to pursue men, to be on the chase...more like hunt. Women are powerful and we can do anything but I wonder if we have forgotten how to do nothing? Its a gift that we have women who take charge, that work, cook, clean, raise kids single-handed. Give her an extra round of applause if she has a husband! But I wonder, as a woman, instead of always doing something- can't I just do nothing and be pursued for once? Can't I be romanced for once without it being an assault on woman's rights? I like having doors opened, compliments and flowers. I like poetry and chocolate. I like love songs, and for those guys who think all that is too much, just knowing that I am appreciated and they enjoy my company is wonderful enough. I'm just tired of searching for Mr.Darcy and for once I want him to find me. Granted it may not happen on my time table cause only God knows when, but I hope that love would be just as radiant as when Darcy came in the mist at the break of dawn longing and searching for Elizabeth who was waiting for him.

Thinking Space

OK OK... I'll stop talking all wordy and be real. Sometimes you just get into those moods to be all wax poetic ya know? 

Anyway, So I have been trying to figure out what God is doing in my life these past few months. My family has come to Christ, I've moved out...went to Catalina and BROKE my ARM! But all the while I finished the semester with really good grades and God has been providing left and right. It really has been amazing seeing how I have no job, no money and feel like I'm just taking up wasted space. So I have been spending more time with God, my friends and family, but while all that stuff is great it leaves ALOT of time to think about life. What I want to do, who I want to be, Am I being a good friend?, Am I being a good servant? Am I strongly infatuated or by some twist of fate have I actually fallen in love? And lastly, if God has been talking about how many blessings are going to come my way as I have been spending time with Him...then why is it I don't see them?

Often times I feel people need to find the blessings with the small things in life- you have clothes, food, a roof over your head and air in your lungs, therefore you are OK. But I'm starting to think that is for an uncontent mindset. I mean I serve a BIG God who can do anything! One of the coolest quotes I heard from Joyce Meyer was that, " The only thing in this world that is constant is God, everything else is subject to change"   I thought that was amazing. Situations that we think are hopeless, people we think will never change, dreams that we never thought we could see come to pass can with God. Granted that doesn't mean we get our way all the time but it does mean that there is room for Hopes and Desires when you bring them before Him.

So many times I forget how much God loves us and put Him into the "cruel" category. But even though I may not know what is happening in my life, God is anything but cruel. He doesn't take your longings and dangle them in front of you and just when you think you have them...sike!..and pulls the rug from under your feet. They are just as precious to Him as they are to us because they are apart of who we are and He loves us, Cherishes us, Wants US!

Anyway I think my point is that because of God's love for us, who are we to limit what He can do in our lives or who things are being taken care of. I think that is the biggest blessing of all. And though I may not have all the answers to the questions in my head, I have a feeling that this summer will turn out hold a great discovery to what I am seeking.

In the wise words of the emperor from Mulan,"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."

Beautiful Girl, Beautiful Heart

What a wonderful age we live in! An age where relationships have been reduced to text messages and emails. Where a man is defined by the number of women he sleeps with and a woman by the size of her breasts. Where marriage is like dating and sex is like shaking hands. An age where people are constantly running the race, striving to be good enough when in the end they will NEVER reach the goal... And yet it there is always hope for what tomorrow holds.

Our hearts are constantly being bombarded with images, thoughts, and suggestions while it is slowly being chipped away and turned into a cheapened tinker toy. But I will not rant on how we need to rebel against the media and the current standard, for those are all tales we have heard before. Instead, through all the muddle and confusion on what makes us who we are, I opt to love who I am now and who I will become. Often times it feels like there are  2 people inside of me- The first is the person who experiences the world. The second is the person who experiences God's love and has to convince the first to keep moving forward. If the second wrote a letter to the first I think it would look like this.

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Did you know that's what you are? Beautiful and utterly radiant. Why are you always comparing yourself to others when you have so much inside of yourself? You couldn't possibly imagine all I see in you. You feel like you don't measure up but to who's standard are you looking to? If it's not God then you know you are looking in the wrong place. Everyday you look to what you aren't but when do you look to what you are? 

You are the dancer of stages and kitchen floors. You are the violinist of concerts and bedroom walls. The singer of halls and showers. The writer of prose and essays. You are the one who tries her best when she feels like a fool and the one who tries to see the best in a broken world. You find beauty in the faces of children and the poor. You fall in love with purpose. You hope for the best and try not to hold back. You are a daughter, a  sister, a friend and a lover. And though all those these are true, its only the tip of the ice berg. So stop focusing on who you aught to be and realize who you are going to be and enjoy the journey as it unfolds.

Love,

The Holy Spirit

I think more people need to listen to the second inside of them.