My Secret Wannabe Life

 So no thanks to my friends Stormi and Alana, who tried to pull me into their little fandom, I have found that in my secret wannabe life I kind of wanna be a Youtuber. Weird? I thought so too lol. But no really it looks like a blast.

Lately I have become obsessed "preoccupied" with different Youtuber's videos. I admire how much time and effort people put into it as a hobby and how they can just go out there and be their self for the world to see. I think its a pretty darn bold move if you ask me especially if you see how judgmental people are. I watch some of them and I just think "Man, I want to do something funny, awesome and creative. Something that makes people laugh or lifts their spirit." And it seems that some of the people I have started following are all friends who have met through their Youtube experience, which goes to show that even if its through video connections can still be made. Honestly, it would be great to meet new folks that way and even better if I could end up meeting Youtubers I follow and chill with them for a bit. They could get to know me, I could get to know them and do all sorts of fun stuff.

"Well what stopping you?", you might ask? I am like a nervous wreck thinking of doing something like that. I wouldn't even know where to start. I know nothing about cameras or film editing ( though from my years of photoshop I think it might be a skill you learn along the way). I also worry about the sort of comments that will be thrown my way, especially since the internet has quite the handful of cowardly, judgmental and seemingly racist people. A Black girl making videos about what people may consider "Un-Black" things doesn't seem like it would get the best comments... but actually you never know and then again that honestly hasn't stopped me from doing something before, but you know those fleeting thoughts. Also professionally, I wonder if it would affect me in human services field... or if I should refrain from it all together. I would also want to do something that did share my faith with others, which I would do anyway cause it a big part of who I am- but with that also comes the natural sting of rejection.  And I also feel that maybe I'm supposed to be to old for that yeah right .

*All of these things are issues I just need to get over lol*

 Anyways, if I did do videos can say that I would love to do ones that made people laugh, shared my faith, and shared a little bit of what I love. Maybe I will try it. Maybe this urge will be a phase. I guess in the long run only time will tell. But until then I will settle for figuring out this season of my life and will continue following the wonderful Our2ndLife guys and their antics (soo funny :D) while supporting them all the way.

25 Fun Facts about Me!!

So I got the inspiration from watching a bunch of youtube videos about letting people know a little bit more about me. I kind of want to utilize my blog more but not just for writing deep, eclectic thoughts but  random fun stuff as well and see where it goes. I'm curious to see what it will turn into as I just run with it. Here it goes.

1. I'm a Christian ( meaning Christ follower) I don't need anyone's religion, rules or regulations, I just need my Lord and Savior who gave his life for me.

2. I care about people- they all have value and worth and I would love to love them like God does

3. I love nerdy things- like Star Trek, Doctor Who, Marvel, DC, Sci-Fi, Anime, Manga, Boy bands, Japanese and Korean Boy bands, making wall papers, and fan girling. Life is more interesting that way.

4. I love love and romance, it makes my heart melt and all fuzzy. But i can also be easily hurt.

5. That being said I have walls like the Pentagon and it will take one heck of a guy to get through.

6. When it comes to men I have high standards and am picky. And no I will not lower them for the sake of a boyfriend- i would rather be alone for the rest of my life.

7.I'm a foodie, I LOVE GOOD FOOD. Im willing to experiment too but it often depends

8. I feel i'm loyal to my friends and will fight for them. Even when friends push me away I will still be there if they ever need me

9. I love Italian and Japanese food

10.I'm a girly girl, i like dresses. high heels, make up and purses. My ideal style is a combo of Smart, Sexy, Elegant, Classy. ( figure it out)

11. I tend to have expensive taste and i kind of like it. There are secrets to getting those things but at a poor girl's price... but I'm not tellin!!

12.I'm embarking on a journey to be healthier

13. I'm an introvert by nature. I do like turning on and off my outgoing-ness though.

14. When I'm comfortable with someone I like to make them laugh- i've been told im quite funny.

15. I like to travel...any place with sand and surf is for me

16. My dog chose me, and i love him all the more for it.

17. My favorite music genre is pop and classical

18.My prayer life has grown so much!

19. I'm the oldest of 5- I will take out anyone who messes with my siblings, no questions asked

20. My best friend lives in Hawaii, needless to say i love visiting her lol

21. The one accessory that I think makes you go from frumpy to pretty is earrings ( my secret weapon)

22. My pet peeves are: leaving the fridge open, guys who are pushy and can't take a no,  crude women, F-bombs, and some more that I forget right now lol

23. I want to be fluent in Japanese so i am slowly learning

24. I'm in grad school

25. Never give them everything, always keep them guessing ;)

There we have it, my 25 fun facts that you may or may have not wanted to know lol. I hope to do another random post soon!!

How Many Times do I have to Say Stop?

I wish I could say that i have gotten better at posting but obviously I haven't haha. But I felt compelled to come out of my writer's hibernation in order to vent to the free world and let my cries be known.

The one thing I really want to tell people is stop trying too hard, just stop. Ok, perhaps some back story is needed. So I had this guy friend who seemed cool in the beginning but it quickly seemed like he was fishing for something more than just friendship. We had a small group, met at bible study everything was fine. Then me and a good friend of mine realized that he was talked to both of us at the same time- and in a similar fashion. Call me coo coo but that's a no no in any girl's book, especially if they are friends and they TALK. Anyways, this went on and on with spurts of communication here and there- all initiated on his part mind you. So I would nonchalantly respond, being friendly ( key word there) as I think it would be a jerkish move to lead someone on when you know you don't think of them that way, know they are talking to more than one person at once ( and mind you it sounded like i was the #2 option anyway) and if you know God is not bringing you that person for THAT reason. Eventually this culminated on my friend's end into asking her out...which she of like mind as mine turned him down and then I start receiving more texts like a week later- not to mention it being a bit awkward when we had met up at the movies a little bit prior as well. I started off not responding but even in that i felt like a jerk though i knew where the rabbit hole would slowly go. I texted back... and sure enough it didn't take long to get invited to something...it was an event that all 3 of us had been talking about for a while but each time someone seemed to forget the answer I previously gave them before. So I gave a wishy-washy answer but later felt convicted that if this was something I really didn't want, I really needed to be fair and decline. So I did..which lead to asking if i was interested in a particular sport. Now, me and my always psychologically analytic mind could foresee where this line of questioning would lead so I straight up called him out and asked if he was trying to ask me out on a date. He proceeded to tell me that he has liked and previously wanted to kiss me. I'm not even going to tell you my initial reaction cause it wasn't the best but I can say that I know the courage it takes to tell someone your feelings and its not pleasant. Though the words were flattering, I had to admit to him that I had no romantic feelings towards him what so ever...like none..like you remind me of my brother and I'm not into incest none. And I had to tell the truth before things got worse. Hours lather his response to cover his pride and the fact that he just got popped in the proverbial balls was that it was in the past, and while I'm pretty, I'm just not deep enough for him...right. Way to back pedal real quick bub.  And no offense, you can't reject someone after they already rejected you- duh.I didn't give anything in response- why should I? And as a lady and someone with some class, I let sleeping dogs lie other than this lovely posting.

The thing that keeps getting me over and over though is that the whole thing was trying to hard, ALL OF IT. Just too much too fast and it wasn't  working. Not to mention he was caught lying. Not to mention he sure does hop girls really quick and not to mention it was so fake it was ridiculous. But as sad as it is to witness it, I realize that I have had a similar mind set once upon a time ( just with more class cause i'm a 1 guy at a time 

kind of gal). I think it cause as people we have a strong desire to connect and be desired by others- to find our mate at a certain point in our lives. Without God truly in the driver's seat of that train its disastrous and we do all sort of crazy crap like have feelings for someone for 4 years and can't even look them in the eye or tell them or all you could do as act like a fool in SOO many ways you wish you could take it back so you didn't seem like a crazy person.. but obviously now its too late. Can't exactly tell everyone you  bared you heart to that you are all better now and it was the crazy hormones and thought of hope ( more like delusions of grandure) that took over and turned you into someone you aren't. As for me, because of that life changing event I ran as far as I from the people who I called friends who knew that not so secret secret cause all I felt was shame and made fun of ( even if it didn't really happen, I couldn't help but feel that there were some laughs at my expense...though to me it was not a laughing matter and I was really misled by something that shook me spiritually  and mentally  (another long story). And to this day I have felt like a fool in one way or another. Anyway the point being, sometimes we try so hard to have people like us that it turns us into something we aren't. For whatever reason we really might want a person't attention but end up with egg on our face. Sometimes we get so blinded that instead of attracting folks we end up repelling them cause our trying just stinks.

My advice, stop trying so hard. If you want someone to like you- just be you. Let things unfold naturally and if they don't, don't press the matter. If someone tells you No- accept it. The first time especially if you are a boy ( no offense if you can't accept no then what makes me think you will accept no to more important things * hint hint*) People don't realize that sometimes they are just doing too much. When it is your time, it will be as cheesy as it sounds, and if its not then you know to enjoy your self a while longer. Sometimes we just need to stop cause what ever we are trying isn't working and we are failing miserably...

Resurgence

Resurgence : a rising again into life, activity, or prominence 

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Welcome 2013. As I reflect back on the last few years I think its amazing to think of how different I feel now as to then. Over the past I have learned a lot about myself, a bit more of what I want in life and  more about God's loving character. I also had a few mind blowing epiphanies that are just plan common sense.

1. When I was 19, I had ABSOLUTELY no idea what love was or even what a relationship was supposed to look like. Looking back on the situation now the greatest gift I was ever given were the words " I don't think I should be in a relationship right now" and "I don't think we ever should have dated".

2. Until you know who you are, what you are looking for and can understand the purpose and value of a relationship through God's lens its best to stay single for a while. You'd be surprised how much God will use you in the mean time.

3. After my wonderful 8 year track record, I finally faced my biggest regret and deepest shame.  But I was recently reminded that regardless, I never did anything wrong so I have nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to be ashamed of my heart. I would be more specific but I've already been specific with too many people who have shown to be untrustworthy. My bad and ignorance.

4. Complacency is never good ever. ever.

5. No matter how much you cry, complain and whine, its nice to know that you have a God who will put your best interest before any of your desires cause knows those things that you can't see.

6. Never apologize for your education

7. Let few in your closest circle.

8. Give back when you can

9. Get Inspired

10. Its ok to love yourself, be yourself and to find those that would do the same

So all in all, there have been a lot of lessons learned. A lot of tears fallen, battles fought, lost and ultimately won. I guess my biggest lesson that I have learned is life is too short and I am tired of BS. I want to dance in the sunshine, kiss in the rain and make the most with what I have been blessed with SO yeah... lol Here is to 2013!!

Metamorphosis

Spotlight on. Microphone Check.

Hello happy people who happen upon my works of prose, I am BACK!

Lot of things have happened since our last meeting in July. For one fall semester is in full swing and I am enjoying school and practicum, I hit my year mark as case manager with my agency, birthdays galore, I went to the BIGBANG Concert ( AMAZING...sigh...), Vac-kay to visit Jess in San Diego, CA, and just took some time to think all in the same month.

Space to think is always awesome cause I can finally take time to think about my life and which way its headed. I have been learning more about my likes and dislikes, things I can live with and things that continue to eat at me and I can't take them. I have formed new goals and aspirations that are waiting to be obtained and a refreshed outlook that will help me with forward motion.

I'm excited to bring all the different parts of my life back into balance, including my relationship with God. Its been so wonderful to realize that I don't have to be a prisoner to my own life and that I have the freedom to live life abundantly ( though I'm still learning what that all entails).  I am excited to see the rest of the changes coming in the next month...but first I think i will start with hair dye :)

Drive

What drives and motivates people?

I know there are too many answers to that question to count but it would really be helpful these days. You see though there is no real reason for me to complain about my life, I have come to find that I have a caught a lack of drive. It feels like life has become so mundane. Go to sleep. eat. work. repeat.

I mean do have bouts of going out with friends, trips, doing the fun stuff, but once that's over its back to the same routine.

There are a few things I would really like to change, especially coming up to year 27 in my life before i don't get any more. Like losing weight, getting more active in the community and actually getting a real hobby for once. My good friend suggested a 27 things before 27 list.

I'm at this point where I have come to realize that the more you are in good health and are taking care of yourself ( body and mind) the better. And then the door of possibilities open up for you, dreams you never even realized come to pass and your life is full. 

But while all of that sounds amazing and great, I just won't get up and do it. I know the problem ends and starts with me but i can't even sit up long enough to press the start button...i think that's a bit of a problem. How much more life must i miss cause of my own sheer laziness or lack of motivation? I need that drive...I need my passion back. And you'd think that cause i know where the root of the problem is it would be an easy fix right? Go figure. But that's my next mission. I need to just do and may then that passion will arise.

Then I'll go all phoenix on them and the world won't know what happened ;)  #rebirth

Dodging Bullets Like I'm Superman

A little inspiration after putting some thoughts to rest.

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Pandora has a box

I want to peek inside

Not sure if i should run

Or see what I can find

Pandora has a box

But God has a plan

And because of curiosity

He saved me once again

Pandora has a box

Jesus laid it to rest

Resolving inclination

Residing in my chest

Pandora had a box

But now that box is gone

Jesus took it in a flash

And that is how we won

I'm dodging bullets like I'm Superman, yall'