My Baby's Got a Secret

The day has finally come to gear up for my mission...or summer project as you could call it. What is it? Well honestly I can't really tell you- otherwise it might have to hurt someone lol. But with any faith i should say rather than luck you will see the fruit of the project by the end of the summer. I'm Feeling like God has given me the green light on some stuff. I'm excited but at the same time I'm not sure how to go about things. Its the whole walking by faith and not by sight concept. Its like when the Israelites were entering the promise land- God told them that He would deliver their enemies into their hands( Deut 7).Yay, right? Of course but the thing is they still had to go out and fight! They still had to do some work and then God would deliver them into their hands. But if you read on in the Book of Joshua they were filled with all sorts of unbelief and fear- they felt that their enemies were too numerous and they couldn't defeat them. God told them not to fear and that He would be with them and they would win if they had Faith (Joshua 14:8-9,14). That's my boat.

I'm learning to be bold, to walk in faith, and fight for my promises even when no one else really believes you or thinks you are crazy. Joshua and Caleb believed God wholeheartedly and were only 2 guys- the rest of the Israelites wanted to stone them and didn't believe them. Paul went to preach the Gospel and many of the disciples didn't believe him since he used to be the murder of many Christians- well , he went out and preached anyway as one man. It inspires me to complete my task and to go out as just 1 girl. We will see what happens even as I find that my mission may not be what i even thought or expected. Its going to be fun, its going to be scary and hopefully full of wonderful things to come.

cryptic? I know- but i guess its for me to know and you to wait and watch for :)

Try and Stop Me!

Things may not be the best but that doesn't mean people have to lay down and die. Even though its hard, sometimes we have to dig our feet in and do the best we can with what we have. I want a life of joy- in the good times and bad. I want to keep pressing forward even when I feel like I have nothing left to give. I want to live. Now.

A Few Goals for the Summer:

-Lose that stupid and stubborn 5lbs

-Get closer to friends

- Get to the beach one way or another!!!

-Study Japanese more...before Amy kills me

-Read the books I own that are collecting dust

- Go out dancing

-Get a bit more courage to do what I fear

-Delight in who I am, regardless of others :)

- Oh yeah...and finding a second job might be a good idea too! 

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

Under Water

Why must it be so hard just to live? I know life pushes and grows us but sometimes it seems so hard to break through the surface of the crap and enjoy it. It's even harder when someone you love is in pain and you can't help them or make the right decisions for them, or even know what the right decisions look like.

One of the closest people in my life, one of my soul mates, is being assaulted by a a guy at work. She is in a situation that doesn't seem like it has an out- or at least one that doesn't result in him coming after her and hurting her for revenge. It has gotten to the point that it has been affecting her daily life. She sometimes gets super depressed and in that depression thinks about contemplating suicide. Can you imagine how it feels to have someone you care for come and tell you that they would rather die than see tomorrow? A real reality check! Fortunately these are just thoughts and not actions but still... Now she wants to do her best to get away for a little while, which is good except that you shouldn't have to run away from you life to feel safe. No one should have to go through that.

Options at this point aren't that easy she feels, considering that this guy is a super higher up in the company so if she even wanted anything to happen legally they would more likely sweep it under the rug and she would lose her job. I really wish she would quit cause this job isn't worth your life or value as a person. I wish she would see that God has so much for her- I see it all the time. If she knew how much she was loved and how he would lend her strength and take care of her if she wanted. And while I'm there for her always, I can't live her life for her. I can only suggest things for her and show her God's love and pray.

Even though I know my God will come in and save the day, even when it seems like the darkest hour, I still hate feeling so helpless. Prayers for strength, and guidance are always welcome.

Searching for Mr.Darcy

Pride & Prejudice is one of the best stories ever told and one of my favorite movies. But how often do women long to be like Elizabeth Bennett; to be plucked out of a crowd and loved completely by a man like Mr.Darcy? How often do we find ourselves longing or searching for our own Mr.Darcy? I think the answer is ALL THE TIME.The idea was brought up by Ms. Huckaby who is writing a screenplay on the concept. But the funny part is that while we long to find our Mr.Darcy, isn't it up to him to find us?

Not that I'm knocking feminism but more often than not I know women who want to pursue men, to be on the chase...more like hunt. Women are powerful and we can do anything but I wonder if we have forgotten how to do nothing? Its a gift that we have women who take charge, that work, cook, clean, raise kids single-handed. Give her an extra round of applause if she has a husband! But I wonder, as a woman, instead of always doing something- can't I just do nothing and be pursued for once? Can't I be romanced for once without it being an assault on woman's rights? I like having doors opened, compliments and flowers. I like poetry and chocolate. I like love songs, and for those guys who think all that is too much, just knowing that I am appreciated and they enjoy my company is wonderful enough. I'm just tired of searching for Mr.Darcy and for once I want him to find me. Granted it may not happen on my time table cause only God knows when, but I hope that love would be just as radiant as when Darcy came in the mist at the break of dawn longing and searching for Elizabeth who was waiting for him.

Thinking Space

OK OK... I'll stop talking all wordy and be real. Sometimes you just get into those moods to be all wax poetic ya know? 

Anyway, So I have been trying to figure out what God is doing in my life these past few months. My family has come to Christ, I've moved out...went to Catalina and BROKE my ARM! But all the while I finished the semester with really good grades and God has been providing left and right. It really has been amazing seeing how I have no job, no money and feel like I'm just taking up wasted space. So I have been spending more time with God, my friends and family, but while all that stuff is great it leaves ALOT of time to think about life. What I want to do, who I want to be, Am I being a good friend?, Am I being a good servant? Am I strongly infatuated or by some twist of fate have I actually fallen in love? And lastly, if God has been talking about how many blessings are going to come my way as I have been spending time with Him...then why is it I don't see them?

Often times I feel people need to find the blessings with the small things in life- you have clothes, food, a roof over your head and air in your lungs, therefore you are OK. But I'm starting to think that is for an uncontent mindset. I mean I serve a BIG God who can do anything! One of the coolest quotes I heard from Joyce Meyer was that, " The only thing in this world that is constant is God, everything else is subject to change"   I thought that was amazing. Situations that we think are hopeless, people we think will never change, dreams that we never thought we could see come to pass can with God. Granted that doesn't mean we get our way all the time but it does mean that there is room for Hopes and Desires when you bring them before Him.

So many times I forget how much God loves us and put Him into the "cruel" category. But even though I may not know what is happening in my life, God is anything but cruel. He doesn't take your longings and dangle them in front of you and just when you think you have them...sike!..and pulls the rug from under your feet. They are just as precious to Him as they are to us because they are apart of who we are and He loves us, Cherishes us, Wants US!

Anyway I think my point is that because of God's love for us, who are we to limit what He can do in our lives or who things are being taken care of. I think that is the biggest blessing of all. And though I may not have all the answers to the questions in my head, I have a feeling that this summer will turn out hold a great discovery to what I am seeking.

In the wise words of the emperor from Mulan,"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all."

Beautiful Girl, Beautiful Heart

What a wonderful age we live in! An age where relationships have been reduced to text messages and emails. Where a man is defined by the number of women he sleeps with and a woman by the size of her breasts. Where marriage is like dating and sex is like shaking hands. An age where people are constantly running the race, striving to be good enough when in the end they will NEVER reach the goal... And yet it there is always hope for what tomorrow holds.

Our hearts are constantly being bombarded with images, thoughts, and suggestions while it is slowly being chipped away and turned into a cheapened tinker toy. But I will not rant on how we need to rebel against the media and the current standard, for those are all tales we have heard before. Instead, through all the muddle and confusion on what makes us who we are, I opt to love who I am now and who I will become. Often times it feels like there are  2 people inside of me- The first is the person who experiences the world. The second is the person who experiences God's love and has to convince the first to keep moving forward. If the second wrote a letter to the first I think it would look like this.

Dear Beautiful Girl,

Did you know that's what you are? Beautiful and utterly radiant. Why are you always comparing yourself to others when you have so much inside of yourself? You couldn't possibly imagine all I see in you. You feel like you don't measure up but to who's standard are you looking to? If it's not God then you know you are looking in the wrong place. Everyday you look to what you aren't but when do you look to what you are? 

You are the dancer of stages and kitchen floors. You are the violinist of concerts and bedroom walls. The singer of halls and showers. The writer of prose and essays. You are the one who tries her best when she feels like a fool and the one who tries to see the best in a broken world. You find beauty in the faces of children and the poor. You fall in love with purpose. You hope for the best and try not to hold back. You are a daughter, a  sister, a friend and a lover. And though all those these are true, its only the tip of the ice berg. So stop focusing on who you aught to be and realize who you are going to be and enjoy the journey as it unfolds.

Love,

The Holy Spirit

I think more people need to listen to the second inside of them.