Kissing 2011 Farewell

Good bye 2011, It was a very good year. Better than most I have had and I wonder how it will get even better. The biggest thing I have learned this year is to not put God in a box and not to be afraid of extraordinary change, especially if it is for the better. I learned that life is either to be lived or wasted and it is your choice to make. And I have learned that while love can be ever elusive, its actually quite simple, let go and just do it since its an action anyway.

I pray that the new year find you in a better place than the last and leads you anew. I pray that life is embarrassed in full and you find peace, joy, love, and hope in the Lord as He lights your way this New Year's<3

Evening Ponderings

I recently read a quote that many Christians may know, " If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." And for whatever reason, as I sit in my bed on a Thursday night, I feel like that quote is just wrong. I understand where it is coming from but I don't think that's what God does at all.

No new news to anyone I have been thinking about my relationship with God and a lot of the mistakes I have made along the way and it has been quite refreshing to get to know Him again. I mean really know him though its a process. I find that as a girl who has had plans, hopes and dreams come, go or get crushed, God doesn't relish in my disappointment. When my plans fail, I think He mourns with me. When my heart hurts, I think He hurts to in someway. And as a feeble human I would feel so utterly terrible at the thought that the God of the universe would laugh when I hurt. Good thing scripture tells us that God is near to the brokenhearted.

I think God's plans for us are better than what we have for ourselves, though we may not see or feel it in the moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself cause there are days when i feel like i screwed up the life i thought i was supposed to have. But I have to trust that where my plan fails His plan prevails in my life.

In short as I live through and face one of my biggest regrets and hurdles to this date, I know that God is for me, not against me. And i certainly don't believe He is laughing at me while I break. He's in the boat, ready to catch me when i sink.

You may never hit a lady, but you're willing to break her heart

Yeah....so scratch my previous post.

The proverbial story of my life.... boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy seems interested, girl is willing to give it a chance, boy goes away for a little while...boy comes back with a insta-girlfriend. Obviously boy sucks eggs or girl is just stupid for thinking maybe.

Though when this all started a few weeks back I didn't even want to give a thought of what could be, i think when i opened myself up to to the idea i let in more hope than i thought. Which means...probability for greater disappointment and another mess i landed myself in. It was a big step for me after feeling like you may never care for someone again, so i was willing to give it a go but maybe not.

But more than unlikely I was in the wrong. Took things for what they weren't again...I got myself hurt again. I took someone who could have just been overly nice and placed them in the maybe he likes me category. He honestly he could have, but i don't chase men, im a lady and maybe he wasn't looking for that. Maybe i was just beat to the punch, who knows...God only knows. Maybe i was even spared yet again (though im starting to feel like that is an excuse to make me feel better about the crap that happens)

All I know, long story short things seemed one way, apparently they are another, i allowed myself to feel for someone after getting the worst break of my life...and though i was refined through flames that first time apparently i need to go through it again.

The Great Pursuit

I find it increasingly important to note, that blogging while exhausted can quite dangerous.

But if anyone knows me they will come to find i can be a glutton for punishment in ways so here we go!!

If nothing there are 3 things I learned this summer.

1. A heart doesn't break clean, the more fragile ones tend to shatter

2. Surprisingly enough there is love after the heart break

3. God apparently knows you better than yourself

Michael Buble sang a song called Haven't Met You Yet and in it there is a line where he says

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down"

Story of my life.

Whether it be bad timing,the wrong person, social awkwardness, or any combination of the 3, romance just hasn't panned out for me. And it also doesn't help to be the type of person that pines from afar either... And I believed in truth I have been doing what God has wanted me to do. Wait on Him, trust him, put my faith in him and He will bring someone at the appointed time. However in my ever not-so secret heart I never want to wait! I always want to chase, even though im super sappy and have this big issue that men should actively pursue a girl they are interested in. I guess on my time table they just aren't doing it fast enough * shrugs* and since i'm so time efficient the show needs to get on the road.But barreling through the mechanics of a relationship may not be the best option, especially if you want it to be functional at the end of the day.

SO fast forward through 25 years or madness and growth and we get to the summer of 2011. I realized that sometimes that when you fall for someone there is always an edge of a chasm our hearts dance around, 1 inch closer to life and 1 inch closer to death. There's always a 50/50 chance. And sometimes even when you know what side of the 50 you're on you still can't help but to let the dance go on, pretending you gave it up a long time ago; but never stepping away from danger. Instead life pushes you in the back and the next thing you know you hit the chasm floor, shocked and stunned; unsure if you can get up or even if you ever want to get up and feel again. The numb becomes the new normal and you aren't really sure how to get back from whence you came. Not a fun feeling at all.

But then after a little while, God reminds you that He is the healer of broken hearts and what can man do to us if He is for us? He reminded me that the heart I thought was beyond repair was actually alive and well; getting healthier and stronger everyday. He reminded me of Hope and that He has a greater plan for me that what I may have had for myself. All revealed in the beautiful teal eyes of a stranger ( that was also ripped too boot, might i add :3)

Then the biggest shock of all, God brings along someone new. Even newer than Mr.Teal. Totally unexpected...and totally not what I was looking for. Someone who doesn't fit my idea of anyone at all. But the more shocking thing is that this person is so intriguing and for the first time in a long time I feel i can truly be myself. After many years of telling God what I want, I'm finally getting an opportunity to see what He may want for me. What you want at a time and what you need at a time can be 2 very different things. I have no idea what could happen or really even kno wht it may come of it all but what I do know is that God shocks me by knowing better than I know myself.

So the great pursuit may have found me after all, who knew? Oh right. God :)

Coal and Diamonds

I always say I talk alot on paper. I like to gab and I like to write. When I started out writing this entry there were many paragraphs, lots of metaphors and tons of fluff. But as I was searching for the words to express what has been welling inside, I realized pure, unadulterated honesty was needed.

And honestly? God loves me and He loves you too.

He will turn you hard heart into something beautiful if you let Him. If you don't you will end just hurting it instead

So let Him love you in the way only He can

Let the regrets go

Let the hurts heal

And breathe

Re-DO

There are times in our lives when we experience pain so great we deperately cry for a re-do. So many regret we wish we could change. And though we can't turn back the clock there is one thing we can do. Pick ourselves up and.....

Start Over.

A New Day

A New Beginning

we just have to walk in that.

In the Moment I Want To Say

A letter to the Captain,

My goodness, if only knew how much I miss you at times. How I miss your laugh, cheeky comments, just sitting and being us. Two people from two different worlds. If only we hadn't met back then, maybe things would have been different since I had always thought we had bad timing. I see myself now and realize we would have so much to talk about, oh so much. These past years i realized that a lot of the interests you had like you taste in music I developed later. Playful banter you would have had I could have easily quipped back. But sometimes it sucks to realize that we'll never get that chance; that our sun has long since set. Looking back we never had enough time to be friends, as a young girl I was too focused on wanting a relationship. Looking back I should have respected you more, it was only right before the end that I truly began to see who you really were. Looking back there were so many ways that I was wrong. There are things I do regret. Somethings I wish I could take back....but oh so many more that I would never change. I would do it all again though I know it would have come to this. You may never know but God used to you to foster so much in me. Because of you I started on this life long journey of learning who He is and in return who he says I am- for that I want to thank you. Because of you I have had to learn what real love is, and also what it isn't. Its been soooo long since I wore my heart on my sleeve like this ( and sad to say all those times when you saw me all dramatic and super poetic im usually looking for attention- which isn't a good thing i know but I'm being honest) I couldn't tell you what it was back then, though I want to say it was all I knew of love at the time. All I know that though I have healed from that time, there is still a scar over the piece of my heart that you will always have. Even if you wanted to give it back you couldn't....and its not a bad thing. Its not bad thing at all because you are part of my story, the tale that God is telling. It will always be that way though I care deeply for another. So though there are so many more things i wish i could say, wish i could change and see how it all could have played out - I will instead fade into the background but there are just times, like tonight, when i wish i could say"Hi" and that "I miss you...sometimes like crazy lol" But just that I miss you my friend and that as always I hope you and your family are doing well :) Tomorrow the sun will rise, and I'm sure I will put on a brave face and keep moving forward but these are the words I had for you in the moment. Until we meet again my dear captain. Until we meet again.

To the Fullest

Lately I have been hearing all these stories about accidents or incidents in which people have passed away. Like a little girl who always got dropped off at school but the one time she walks with her friends to middle school cause her mother was running late to work, she and her friends were slammed into by a distracted driver. She died on the scene. Of that there was a fire and all 3 children and the babysitter died in it. or even that a friend of mine lost someone close to her and is haunted my the what if moment surrounding the last time she saw him before he was a victim of a hit and run. These people were just living their lives. They had dreams and wishes they wanted to come true but abruptly came to an end. Though death is a natural part of our lives and we all (for the most part) are going to go through it, I really can't stand feeling my own mortality. That at any given moment it could all be over.

We were meant to only grace the planet a short time. And how short of a time is up to the Lord.

The psalmist King David says,

Psalm 39:4

⁴ “Show me, LORD, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.⁵ You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath even those who seem secure

I always wondered why in the world would David want to feel such a thing. It's not comfortable... and quite frankly it sucks, but I guess on some level thats the point- to get you out of your comfort zone, to make you get out of your life entitlement syndrome. When you do feel your own mortality I think it helps to give more meaning to life. You realize that you don't have all the time in the world and that you should be grateful that you were able to wake up in the morning at least.

When I think about it, I wonder in what ways is God trying to use me, whether in my family or at work, or even church. It also makes me realize the importance of loving one another and doing your best to help the world we live in. I also realize that life is too short to live in regret or to hide your true feelings. If you don't want to do something- don't do it, its your choice. If you love someone, tell them, what do you have to lose? Though it may not be reciprocated who doesn't want to know there is someone out there amongst the billions of people who care about them?

It all can be a beautiful mess of trying to figure out what to do with the life thats given, but the only thing I know to be certain is that it is a gift and should be lived to the fullest.

Birthday, Birthday Birthday!!

25....wow.

I officially turned a quarter of a century today. Not that I didn't expect to make it this far in life but I am reminded of how any day when you wake up its a blessing- cause tomorrow is never promised to us.

And though it may not mean cause its so easy to click a button, i was so shocked to see that over 50 people said a happy birthday to me on Facebook :) I guess I'm an overly sentimental gal, but I was touched to see many hard felt jokes, messages and even just a plain happy birthday. In this day and age where we are so disconnected and isolated from everyone- only letting the select few into our circles- its the least thing we can do for someone who has crossed our paths, after all why shouldn't we all celebrate a day when one of our brothers or sisters came into the world?

I really love to celebrate birthdays- mine or someone else's. I'm one of those people who thinks its a pretty big deal that someone made it to another year, cause there are plenty of people who actually don't. Preferably, there should be cake, people, and a whole lot of joy. No matter how you like to spend it- it should be how that person wants it to be - at least within reason.

For myself? I decided on making it a 3 day affair and sharing it with some people who have been dear to me.

Day One, A few of my wonderful girl friends and I took to a night on the town, getting all gussied up and dining finely at the Olive Garden. I LOVE the Olive Garden. I mean it may not be the best Italian food in the world but for whatever reason it is the best to me! I ate what I wanted- without worrying about the calories, mind you- and had a Salad, the main entrée AND dessert (usually i'm so full I never make it there but thats why they invented lovely take-out boxes )! After dinner, we went to see the Lion King since none of us had ever seen it before. We had always mean meaning to go and a friend of mine went on her birthday so I though it was a pretty great Idea. The show was AMAZING!!! I so loved it and would love to go and see it again some time... I'm thinking of taking my mom :)

Day Two, My Actual Birthday, I woke up early enough this morning all excited since I took the day off. My mommy made me my favorite breakfast ( her French Toast) and I did nothing but lounge around in my pjs ALL day. The most I have done thus far is watch Annie cause i really like it and I hadn't seen it in a while.

Day Three, to be determined.... Well when that day comes in the future we will see what happens :)

All in all I think i had a pretty great birthday, there are only 2 things that can make it better- eating my cake and hearing back from the voice I miss the most :)

New Year, New Heart

Its been quite some time since I have updated my blog, but now that I have a brand spanking new laptop in my clutches I hope not to be so neglectful :)

2011 came here so fast and I wasn't ready for it but I guess you have to learn to be. We have been going through a new series at church about rebooting ourselves for the new year and seeing in what direction our lives are heading. I would like to think I'm always the one who likes to be all wax poetic and reflective on my life but thats all a front for whats really going on inside. The truth is no one really likes to sit with their self and really find out the stuff thats wrong, the stuff that needs to change, or just facing who we have become and seeing who we want to be.

But thats all got to change

Looking over the last year I realize how blessed I truly have been. God rose up a really great group of friends when i was close to feeling abandoned. God allowed me to spend some wonderful time with my best friend/ roommate for a 1 1/2 yrs. and though it ended on some crazy terms I still love her and cherish the learning experience that erupted. I learned more about what faith looks like, what love looks like, and a lot of what it looks like to be your self and have some fun. But also on the same token I see how I have let doubt creep in, and just ultimately not caring for myself and becoming unhealthy- inside and out. I also realize even more how much i need the Grace that Jesus gives and learn how to forgive myself.

SO as this year is beginning I'm saying good bye to yesterday and hello to the bright possibilities that lie in front of me. 2011 I'm coming for you and its going to be a great story to tell!!!