My Secret Wannabe Life

 So no thanks to my friends Stormi and Alana, who tried to pull me into their little fandom, I have found that in my secret wannabe life I kind of wanna be a Youtuber. Weird? I thought so too lol. But no really it looks like a blast.

Lately I have become obsessed "preoccupied" with different Youtuber's videos. I admire how much time and effort people put into it as a hobby and how they can just go out there and be their self for the world to see. I think its a pretty darn bold move if you ask me especially if you see how judgmental people are. I watch some of them and I just think "Man, I want to do something funny, awesome and creative. Something that makes people laugh or lifts their spirit." And it seems that some of the people I have started following are all friends who have met through their Youtube experience, which goes to show that even if its through video connections can still be made. Honestly, it would be great to meet new folks that way and even better if I could end up meeting Youtubers I follow and chill with them for a bit. They could get to know me, I could get to know them and do all sorts of fun stuff.

"Well what stopping you?", you might ask? I am like a nervous wreck thinking of doing something like that. I wouldn't even know where to start. I know nothing about cameras or film editing ( though from my years of photoshop I think it might be a skill you learn along the way). I also worry about the sort of comments that will be thrown my way, especially since the internet has quite the handful of cowardly, judgmental and seemingly racist people. A Black girl making videos about what people may consider "Un-Black" things doesn't seem like it would get the best comments... but actually you never know and then again that honestly hasn't stopped me from doing something before, but you know those fleeting thoughts. Also professionally, I wonder if it would affect me in human services field... or if I should refrain from it all together. I would also want to do something that did share my faith with others, which I would do anyway cause it a big part of who I am- but with that also comes the natural sting of rejection.  And I also feel that maybe I'm supposed to be to old for that yeah right .

*All of these things are issues I just need to get over lol*

 Anyways, if I did do videos can say that I would love to do ones that made people laugh, shared my faith, and shared a little bit of what I love. Maybe I will try it. Maybe this urge will be a phase. I guess in the long run only time will tell. But until then I will settle for figuring out this season of my life and will continue following the wonderful Our2ndLife guys and their antics (soo funny :D) while supporting them all the way.

25 Fun Facts about Me!!

So I got the inspiration from watching a bunch of youtube videos about letting people know a little bit more about me. I kind of want to utilize my blog more but not just for writing deep, eclectic thoughts but  random fun stuff as well and see where it goes. I'm curious to see what it will turn into as I just run with it. Here it goes.

1. I'm a Christian ( meaning Christ follower) I don't need anyone's religion, rules or regulations, I just need my Lord and Savior who gave his life for me.

2. I care about people- they all have value and worth and I would love to love them like God does

3. I love nerdy things- like Star Trek, Doctor Who, Marvel, DC, Sci-Fi, Anime, Manga, Boy bands, Japanese and Korean Boy bands, making wall papers, and fan girling. Life is more interesting that way.

4. I love love and romance, it makes my heart melt and all fuzzy. But i can also be easily hurt.

5. That being said I have walls like the Pentagon and it will take one heck of a guy to get through.

6. When it comes to men I have high standards and am picky. And no I will not lower them for the sake of a boyfriend- i would rather be alone for the rest of my life.

7.I'm a foodie, I LOVE GOOD FOOD. Im willing to experiment too but it often depends

8. I feel i'm loyal to my friends and will fight for them. Even when friends push me away I will still be there if they ever need me

9. I love Italian and Japanese food

10.I'm a girly girl, i like dresses. high heels, make up and purses. My ideal style is a combo of Smart, Sexy, Elegant, Classy. ( figure it out)

11. I tend to have expensive taste and i kind of like it. There are secrets to getting those things but at a poor girl's price... but I'm not tellin!!

12.I'm embarking on a journey to be healthier

13. I'm an introvert by nature. I do like turning on and off my outgoing-ness though.

14. When I'm comfortable with someone I like to make them laugh- i've been told im quite funny.

15. I like to travel...any place with sand and surf is for me

16. My dog chose me, and i love him all the more for it.

17. My favorite music genre is pop and classical

18.My prayer life has grown so much!

19. I'm the oldest of 5- I will take out anyone who messes with my siblings, no questions asked

20. My best friend lives in Hawaii, needless to say i love visiting her lol

21. The one accessory that I think makes you go from frumpy to pretty is earrings ( my secret weapon)

22. My pet peeves are: leaving the fridge open, guys who are pushy and can't take a no,  crude women, F-bombs, and some more that I forget right now lol

23. I want to be fluent in Japanese so i am slowly learning

24. I'm in grad school

25. Never give them everything, always keep them guessing ;)

There we have it, my 25 fun facts that you may or may have not wanted to know lol. I hope to do another random post soon!!

How Many Times do I have to Say Stop?

I wish I could say that i have gotten better at posting but obviously I haven't haha. But I felt compelled to come out of my writer's hibernation in order to vent to the free world and let my cries be known.

The one thing I really want to tell people is stop trying too hard, just stop. Ok, perhaps some back story is needed. So I had this guy friend who seemed cool in the beginning but it quickly seemed like he was fishing for something more than just friendship. We had a small group, met at bible study everything was fine. Then me and a good friend of mine realized that he was talked to both of us at the same time- and in a similar fashion. Call me coo coo but that's a no no in any girl's book, especially if they are friends and they TALK. Anyways, this went on and on with spurts of communication here and there- all initiated on his part mind you. So I would nonchalantly respond, being friendly ( key word there) as I think it would be a jerkish move to lead someone on when you know you don't think of them that way, know they are talking to more than one person at once ( and mind you it sounded like i was the #2 option anyway) and if you know God is not bringing you that person for THAT reason. Eventually this culminated on my friend's end into asking her out...which she of like mind as mine turned him down and then I start receiving more texts like a week later- not to mention it being a bit awkward when we had met up at the movies a little bit prior as well. I started off not responding but even in that i felt like a jerk though i knew where the rabbit hole would slowly go. I texted back... and sure enough it didn't take long to get invited to something...it was an event that all 3 of us had been talking about for a while but each time someone seemed to forget the answer I previously gave them before. So I gave a wishy-washy answer but later felt convicted that if this was something I really didn't want, I really needed to be fair and decline. So I did..which lead to asking if i was interested in a particular sport. Now, me and my always psychologically analytic mind could foresee where this line of questioning would lead so I straight up called him out and asked if he was trying to ask me out on a date. He proceeded to tell me that he has liked and previously wanted to kiss me. I'm not even going to tell you my initial reaction cause it wasn't the best but I can say that I know the courage it takes to tell someone your feelings and its not pleasant. Though the words were flattering, I had to admit to him that I had no romantic feelings towards him what so ever...like none..like you remind me of my brother and I'm not into incest none. And I had to tell the truth before things got worse. Hours lather his response to cover his pride and the fact that he just got popped in the proverbial balls was that it was in the past, and while I'm pretty, I'm just not deep enough for him...right. Way to back pedal real quick bub.  And no offense, you can't reject someone after they already rejected you- duh.I didn't give anything in response- why should I? And as a lady and someone with some class, I let sleeping dogs lie other than this lovely posting.

The thing that keeps getting me over and over though is that the whole thing was trying to hard, ALL OF IT. Just too much too fast and it wasn't  working. Not to mention he was caught lying. Not to mention he sure does hop girls really quick and not to mention it was so fake it was ridiculous. But as sad as it is to witness it, I realize that I have had a similar mind set once upon a time ( just with more class cause i'm a 1 guy at a time 

kind of gal). I think it cause as people we have a strong desire to connect and be desired by others- to find our mate at a certain point in our lives. Without God truly in the driver's seat of that train its disastrous and we do all sort of crazy crap like have feelings for someone for 4 years and can't even look them in the eye or tell them or all you could do as act like a fool in SOO many ways you wish you could take it back so you didn't seem like a crazy person.. but obviously now its too late. Can't exactly tell everyone you  bared you heart to that you are all better now and it was the crazy hormones and thought of hope ( more like delusions of grandure) that took over and turned you into someone you aren't. As for me, because of that life changing event I ran as far as I from the people who I called friends who knew that not so secret secret cause all I felt was shame and made fun of ( even if it didn't really happen, I couldn't help but feel that there were some laughs at my expense...though to me it was not a laughing matter and I was really misled by something that shook me spiritually  and mentally  (another long story). And to this day I have felt like a fool in one way or another. Anyway the point being, sometimes we try so hard to have people like us that it turns us into something we aren't. For whatever reason we really might want a person't attention but end up with egg on our face. Sometimes we get so blinded that instead of attracting folks we end up repelling them cause our trying just stinks.

My advice, stop trying so hard. If you want someone to like you- just be you. Let things unfold naturally and if they don't, don't press the matter. If someone tells you No- accept it. The first time especially if you are a boy ( no offense if you can't accept no then what makes me think you will accept no to more important things * hint hint*) People don't realize that sometimes they are just doing too much. When it is your time, it will be as cheesy as it sounds, and if its not then you know to enjoy your self a while longer. Sometimes we just need to stop cause what ever we are trying isn't working and we are failing miserably...

Resurgence

Resurgence : a rising again into life, activity, or prominence 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome 2013. As I reflect back on the last few years I think its amazing to think of how different I feel now as to then. Over the past I have learned a lot about myself, a bit more of what I want in life and  more about God's loving character. I also had a few mind blowing epiphanies that are just plan common sense.

1. When I was 19, I had ABSOLUTELY no idea what love was or even what a relationship was supposed to look like. Looking back on the situation now the greatest gift I was ever given were the words " I don't think I should be in a relationship right now" and "I don't think we ever should have dated".

2. Until you know who you are, what you are looking for and can understand the purpose and value of a relationship through God's lens its best to stay single for a while. You'd be surprised how much God will use you in the mean time.

3. After my wonderful 8 year track record, I finally faced my biggest regret and deepest shame.  But I was recently reminded that regardless, I never did anything wrong so I have nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to be ashamed of my heart. I would be more specific but I've already been specific with too many people who have shown to be untrustworthy. My bad and ignorance.

4. Complacency is never good ever. ever.

5. No matter how much you cry, complain and whine, its nice to know that you have a God who will put your best interest before any of your desires cause knows those things that you can't see.

6. Never apologize for your education

7. Let few in your closest circle.

8. Give back when you can

9. Get Inspired

10. Its ok to love yourself, be yourself and to find those that would do the same

So all in all, there have been a lot of lessons learned. A lot of tears fallen, battles fought, lost and ultimately won. I guess my biggest lesson that I have learned is life is too short and I am tired of BS. I want to dance in the sunshine, kiss in the rain and make the most with what I have been blessed with SO yeah... lol Here is to 2013!!

Metamorphosis

Spotlight on. Microphone Check.

Hello happy people who happen upon my works of prose, I am BACK!

Lot of things have happened since our last meeting in July. For one fall semester is in full swing and I am enjoying school and practicum, I hit my year mark as case manager with my agency, birthdays galore, I went to the BIGBANG Concert ( AMAZING...sigh...), Vac-kay to visit Jess in San Diego, CA, and just took some time to think all in the same month.

Space to think is always awesome cause I can finally take time to think about my life and which way its headed. I have been learning more about my likes and dislikes, things I can live with and things that continue to eat at me and I can't take them. I have formed new goals and aspirations that are waiting to be obtained and a refreshed outlook that will help me with forward motion.

I'm excited to bring all the different parts of my life back into balance, including my relationship with God. Its been so wonderful to realize that I don't have to be a prisoner to my own life and that I have the freedom to live life abundantly ( though I'm still learning what that all entails).  I am excited to see the rest of the changes coming in the next month...but first I think i will start with hair dye :)

Drive

What drives and motivates people?

I know there are too many answers to that question to count but it would really be helpful these days. You see though there is no real reason for me to complain about my life, I have come to find that I have a caught a lack of drive. It feels like life has become so mundane. Go to sleep. eat. work. repeat.

I mean do have bouts of going out with friends, trips, doing the fun stuff, but once that's over its back to the same routine.

There are a few things I would really like to change, especially coming up to year 27 in my life before i don't get any more. Like losing weight, getting more active in the community and actually getting a real hobby for once. My good friend suggested a 27 things before 27 list.

I'm at this point where I have come to realize that the more you are in good health and are taking care of yourself ( body and mind) the better. And then the door of possibilities open up for you, dreams you never even realized come to pass and your life is full. 

But while all of that sounds amazing and great, I just won't get up and do it. I know the problem ends and starts with me but i can't even sit up long enough to press the start button...i think that's a bit of a problem. How much more life must i miss cause of my own sheer laziness or lack of motivation? I need that drive...I need my passion back. And you'd think that cause i know where the root of the problem is it would be an easy fix right? Go figure. But that's my next mission. I need to just do and may then that passion will arise.

Then I'll go all phoenix on them and the world won't know what happened ;)  #rebirth

Dodging Bullets Like I'm Superman

A little inspiration after putting some thoughts to rest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pandora has a box

I want to peek inside

Not sure if i should run

Or see what I can find

Pandora has a box

But God has a plan

And because of curiosity

He saved me once again

Pandora has a box

Jesus laid it to rest

Resolving inclination

Residing in my chest

Pandora had a box

But now that box is gone

Jesus took it in a flash

And that is how we won

I'm dodging bullets like I'm Superman, yall'

Take a Breath and 5 Steps

Time to kick off the new year!!!

Blogging is such an interesting outlet of expression. You can come and go as you please; let it die and resurrect it all over again which is kind of like many other things in life. Dream, desires. goals.

It all can change in a moment. I know mine have

And in honors of the passing Valentine's Day I will write a little somethin' somethin' on my newer passing thoughts.

This Valentine's Day was spend cooking a great pasta dish and making cookie tarts for my cousin and Auntie, followed by A Walk In the Clouds which is always a good watch (mmm. Keanu)

This year was quite different than ones in years past cause instead of droning on being alone (pathetic, yes?) it quite frankly felt like any other day but just a hint of special-ness. But it did bring me to some interesting musings about love, check it out!

1. How you can't put love on a time table no matter how much you would like too.

2.You also can't force it to happen cause thats way to painful.

3.Just because people are attracted to each other does not mean they were meant to be with together. And to

4. Let go and Let God ( literally...literally) It's so much easier in the end. And also

5.Be honest with yourself with what you want and don't want out of a mate and a relationships.

If you just complete these 5 steps, love will initiate itself and it will save you a whole lot of trouble and heart ache in the end.

Now what I want to know is why did it take me 7 whole years to realize and fully understand all this? Lord knows...but I would gladly like to say that my love life is His problem now

*cue Rocky music*

Kissing 2011 Farewell

Good bye 2011, It was a very good year. Better than most I have had and I wonder how it will get even better. The biggest thing I have learned this year is to not put God in a box and not to be afraid of extraordinary change, especially if it is for the better. I learned that life is either to be lived or wasted and it is your choice to make. And I have learned that while love can be ever elusive, its actually quite simple, let go and just do it since its an action anyway.

I pray that the new year find you in a better place than the last and leads you anew. I pray that life is embarrassed in full and you find peace, joy, love, and hope in the Lord as He lights your way this New Year's<3

Evening Ponderings

I recently read a quote that many Christians may know, " If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." And for whatever reason, as I sit in my bed on a Thursday night, I feel like that quote is just wrong. I understand where it is coming from but I don't think that's what God does at all.

No new news to anyone I have been thinking about my relationship with God and a lot of the mistakes I have made along the way and it has been quite refreshing to get to know Him again. I mean really know him though its a process. I find that as a girl who has had plans, hopes and dreams come, go or get crushed, God doesn't relish in my disappointment. When my plans fail, I think He mourns with me. When my heart hurts, I think He hurts to in someway. And as a feeble human I would feel so utterly terrible at the thought that the God of the universe would laugh when I hurt. Good thing scripture tells us that God is near to the brokenhearted.

I think God's plans for us are better than what we have for ourselves, though we may not see or feel it in the moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself cause there are days when i feel like i screwed up the life i thought i was supposed to have. But I have to trust that where my plan fails His plan prevails in my life.

In short as I live through and face one of my biggest regrets and hurdles to this date, I know that God is for me, not against me. And i certainly don't believe He is laughing at me while I break. He's in the boat, ready to catch me when i sink.

You may never hit a lady, but you're willing to break her heart

Yeah....so scratch my previous post.

The proverbial story of my life.... boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy seems interested, girl is willing to give it a chance, boy goes away for a little while...boy comes back with a insta-girlfriend. Obviously boy sucks eggs or girl is just stupid for thinking maybe.

Though when this all started a few weeks back I didn't even want to give a thought of what could be, i think when i opened myself up to to the idea i let in more hope than i thought. Which means...probability for greater disappointment and another mess i landed myself in. It was a big step for me after feeling like you may never care for someone again, so i was willing to give it a go but maybe not.

But more than unlikely I was in the wrong. Took things for what they weren't again...I got myself hurt again. I took someone who could have just been overly nice and placed them in the maybe he likes me category. He honestly he could have, but i don't chase men, im a lady and maybe he wasn't looking for that. Maybe i was just beat to the punch, who knows...God only knows. Maybe i was even spared yet again (though im starting to feel like that is an excuse to make me feel better about the crap that happens)

All I know, long story short things seemed one way, apparently they are another, i allowed myself to feel for someone after getting the worst break of my life...and though i was refined through flames that first time apparently i need to go through it again.

The Great Pursuit

I find it increasingly important to note, that blogging while exhausted can quite dangerous.

But if anyone knows me they will come to find i can be a glutton for punishment in ways so here we go!!

If nothing there are 3 things I learned this summer.

1. A heart doesn't break clean, the more fragile ones tend to shatter

2. Surprisingly enough there is love after the heart break

3. God apparently knows you better than yourself

Michael Buble sang a song called Haven't Met You Yet and in it there is a line where he says

"I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down"

Story of my life.

Whether it be bad timing,the wrong person, social awkwardness, or any combination of the 3, romance just hasn't panned out for me. And it also doesn't help to be the type of person that pines from afar either... And I believed in truth I have been doing what God has wanted me to do. Wait on Him, trust him, put my faith in him and He will bring someone at the appointed time. However in my ever not-so secret heart I never want to wait! I always want to chase, even though im super sappy and have this big issue that men should actively pursue a girl they are interested in. I guess on my time table they just aren't doing it fast enough * shrugs* and since i'm so time efficient the show needs to get on the road.But barreling through the mechanics of a relationship may not be the best option, especially if you want it to be functional at the end of the day.

SO fast forward through 25 years or madness and growth and we get to the summer of 2011. I realized that sometimes that when you fall for someone there is always an edge of a chasm our hearts dance around, 1 inch closer to life and 1 inch closer to death. There's always a 50/50 chance. And sometimes even when you know what side of the 50 you're on you still can't help but to let the dance go on, pretending you gave it up a long time ago; but never stepping away from danger. Instead life pushes you in the back and the next thing you know you hit the chasm floor, shocked and stunned; unsure if you can get up or even if you ever want to get up and feel again. The numb becomes the new normal and you aren't really sure how to get back from whence you came. Not a fun feeling at all.

But then after a little while, God reminds you that He is the healer of broken hearts and what can man do to us if He is for us? He reminded me that the heart I thought was beyond repair was actually alive and well; getting healthier and stronger everyday. He reminded me of Hope and that He has a greater plan for me that what I may have had for myself. All revealed in the beautiful teal eyes of a stranger ( that was also ripped too boot, might i add :3)

Then the biggest shock of all, God brings along someone new. Even newer than Mr.Teal. Totally unexpected...and totally not what I was looking for. Someone who doesn't fit my idea of anyone at all. But the more shocking thing is that this person is so intriguing and for the first time in a long time I feel i can truly be myself. After many years of telling God what I want, I'm finally getting an opportunity to see what He may want for me. What you want at a time and what you need at a time can be 2 very different things. I have no idea what could happen or really even kno wht it may come of it all but what I do know is that God shocks me by knowing better than I know myself.

So the great pursuit may have found me after all, who knew? Oh right. God :)

Coal and Diamonds

I always say I talk alot on paper. I like to gab and I like to write. When I started out writing this entry there were many paragraphs, lots of metaphors and tons of fluff. But as I was searching for the words to express what has been welling inside, I realized pure, unadulterated honesty was needed.

And honestly? God loves me and He loves you too.

He will turn you hard heart into something beautiful if you let Him. If you don't you will end just hurting it instead

So let Him love you in the way only He can

Let the regrets go

Let the hurts heal

And breathe

Re-DO

There are times in our lives when we experience pain so great we deperately cry for a re-do. So many regret we wish we could change. And though we can't turn back the clock there is one thing we can do. Pick ourselves up and.....

Start Over.

A New Day

A New Beginning

we just have to walk in that.

In the Moment I Want To Say

A letter to the Captain,

My goodness, if only knew how much I miss you at times. How I miss your laugh, cheeky comments, just sitting and being us. Two people from two different worlds. If only we hadn't met back then, maybe things would have been different since I had always thought we had bad timing. I see myself now and realize we would have so much to talk about, oh so much. These past years i realized that a lot of the interests you had like you taste in music I developed later. Playful banter you would have had I could have easily quipped back. But sometimes it sucks to realize that we'll never get that chance; that our sun has long since set. Looking back we never had enough time to be friends, as a young girl I was too focused on wanting a relationship. Looking back I should have respected you more, it was only right before the end that I truly began to see who you really were. Looking back there were so many ways that I was wrong. There are things I do regret. Somethings I wish I could take back....but oh so many more that I would never change. I would do it all again though I know it would have come to this. You may never know but God used to you to foster so much in me. Because of you I started on this life long journey of learning who He is and in return who he says I am- for that I want to thank you. Because of you I have had to learn what real love is, and also what it isn't. Its been soooo long since I wore my heart on my sleeve like this ( and sad to say all those times when you saw me all dramatic and super poetic im usually looking for attention- which isn't a good thing i know but I'm being honest) I couldn't tell you what it was back then, though I want to say it was all I knew of love at the time. All I know that though I have healed from that time, there is still a scar over the piece of my heart that you will always have. Even if you wanted to give it back you couldn't....and its not a bad thing. Its not bad thing at all because you are part of my story, the tale that God is telling. It will always be that way though I care deeply for another. So though there are so many more things i wish i could say, wish i could change and see how it all could have played out - I will instead fade into the background but there are just times, like tonight, when i wish i could say"Hi" and that "I miss you...sometimes like crazy lol" But just that I miss you my friend and that as always I hope you and your family are doing well :) Tomorrow the sun will rise, and I'm sure I will put on a brave face and keep moving forward but these are the words I had for you in the moment. Until we meet again my dear captain. Until we meet again.

To the Fullest

Lately I have been hearing all these stories about accidents or incidents in which people have passed away. Like a little girl who always got dropped off at school but the one time she walks with her friends to middle school cause her mother was running late to work, she and her friends were slammed into by a distracted driver. She died on the scene. Of that there was a fire and all 3 children and the babysitter died in it. or even that a friend of mine lost someone close to her and is haunted my the what if moment surrounding the last time she saw him before he was a victim of a hit and run. These people were just living their lives. They had dreams and wishes they wanted to come true but abruptly came to an end. Though death is a natural part of our lives and we all (for the most part) are going to go through it, I really can't stand feeling my own mortality. That at any given moment it could all be over.

We were meant to only grace the planet a short time. And how short of a time is up to the Lord.

The psalmist King David says,

Psalm 39:4

⁴ “Show me, LORD, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.⁵ You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath even those who seem secure

I always wondered why in the world would David want to feel such a thing. It's not comfortable... and quite frankly it sucks, but I guess on some level thats the point- to get you out of your comfort zone, to make you get out of your life entitlement syndrome. When you do feel your own mortality I think it helps to give more meaning to life. You realize that you don't have all the time in the world and that you should be grateful that you were able to wake up in the morning at least.

When I think about it, I wonder in what ways is God trying to use me, whether in my family or at work, or even church. It also makes me realize the importance of loving one another and doing your best to help the world we live in. I also realize that life is too short to live in regret or to hide your true feelings. If you don't want to do something- don't do it, its your choice. If you love someone, tell them, what do you have to lose? Though it may not be reciprocated who doesn't want to know there is someone out there amongst the billions of people who care about them?

It all can be a beautiful mess of trying to figure out what to do with the life thats given, but the only thing I know to be certain is that it is a gift and should be lived to the fullest.

Birthday, Birthday Birthday!!

25....wow.

I officially turned a quarter of a century today. Not that I didn't expect to make it this far in life but I am reminded of how any day when you wake up its a blessing- cause tomorrow is never promised to us.

And though it may not mean cause its so easy to click a button, i was so shocked to see that over 50 people said a happy birthday to me on Facebook :) I guess I'm an overly sentimental gal, but I was touched to see many hard felt jokes, messages and even just a plain happy birthday. In this day and age where we are so disconnected and isolated from everyone- only letting the select few into our circles- its the least thing we can do for someone who has crossed our paths, after all why shouldn't we all celebrate a day when one of our brothers or sisters came into the world?

I really love to celebrate birthdays- mine or someone else's. I'm one of those people who thinks its a pretty big deal that someone made it to another year, cause there are plenty of people who actually don't. Preferably, there should be cake, people, and a whole lot of joy. No matter how you like to spend it- it should be how that person wants it to be - at least within reason.

For myself? I decided on making it a 3 day affair and sharing it with some people who have been dear to me.

Day One, A few of my wonderful girl friends and I took to a night on the town, getting all gussied up and dining finely at the Olive Garden. I LOVE the Olive Garden. I mean it may not be the best Italian food in the world but for whatever reason it is the best to me! I ate what I wanted- without worrying about the calories, mind you- and had a Salad, the main entrée AND dessert (usually i'm so full I never make it there but thats why they invented lovely take-out boxes )! After dinner, we went to see the Lion King since none of us had ever seen it before. We had always mean meaning to go and a friend of mine went on her birthday so I though it was a pretty great Idea. The show was AMAZING!!! I so loved it and would love to go and see it again some time... I'm thinking of taking my mom :)

Day Two, My Actual Birthday, I woke up early enough this morning all excited since I took the day off. My mommy made me my favorite breakfast ( her French Toast) and I did nothing but lounge around in my pjs ALL day. The most I have done thus far is watch Annie cause i really like it and I hadn't seen it in a while.

Day Three, to be determined.... Well when that day comes in the future we will see what happens :)

All in all I think i had a pretty great birthday, there are only 2 things that can make it better- eating my cake and hearing back from the voice I miss the most :)

New Year, New Heart

Its been quite some time since I have updated my blog, but now that I have a brand spanking new laptop in my clutches I hope not to be so neglectful :)

2011 came here so fast and I wasn't ready for it but I guess you have to learn to be. We have been going through a new series at church about rebooting ourselves for the new year and seeing in what direction our lives are heading. I would like to think I'm always the one who likes to be all wax poetic and reflective on my life but thats all a front for whats really going on inside. The truth is no one really likes to sit with their self and really find out the stuff thats wrong, the stuff that needs to change, or just facing who we have become and seeing who we want to be.

But thats all got to change

Looking over the last year I realize how blessed I truly have been. God rose up a really great group of friends when i was close to feeling abandoned. God allowed me to spend some wonderful time with my best friend/ roommate for a 1 1/2 yrs. and though it ended on some crazy terms I still love her and cherish the learning experience that erupted. I learned more about what faith looks like, what love looks like, and a lot of what it looks like to be your self and have some fun. But also on the same token I see how I have let doubt creep in, and just ultimately not caring for myself and becoming unhealthy- inside and out. I also realize even more how much i need the Grace that Jesus gives and learn how to forgive myself.

SO as this year is beginning I'm saying good bye to yesterday and hello to the bright possibilities that lie in front of me. 2011 I'm coming for you and its going to be a great story to tell!!!

One Step at a Time

Is funny how you realize when you slow down you see the amazingness that is God working in your life.

Last week I was dealt a pretty low blow when I found out that I was denied for the adavanced standing graduate program at my school. I know my idenity in Christ is not wrapped in my academic acheivements, however I would be lying if I didn't say its part of how I see myself. At the time I felt like a failure and that I didn't try hard enough to meet the GPA requirement (3.25, and I have a 3.07 cumulative GPA as of last semester). I was so upset and confused that I did the one thing that I know you shouldn't- not talk to God about it. I clammed up and refused to think that he could care about what I was going through in the moment but boy was I wrong. I rean across a co-worker who had a 3.68 GPA but because of the way they adveraged out your GPAs from the differnt schools you attended it dropped her below the requirement. We wrote letters and talked to administration about the admission process and what we could do to appeal but it was no use. Seeing someone who I felt truely deserved to get into the program more than I did really put things into persective for me. I started to realize that even though I didn't get what I wanted, maybe God said No to this because he was saying Yes to something else. If I get accepted into the regular graduate program I will be able to enjoy and work over the summer and save for things I would need in my role as a future case manager for my company. I also don't know if God is also positioning things because there may be more facets to my personal life.
I have to remind myself to trust God and that he does have plans for my good even in the dark places. And He has been amazing at replacing my pain with a joy like no other over what may come this summer.

I have also come to find that my grandparent might be thinking about moving out here as well, which will be an amazing blessing so that I will be able to spend more time with them. My aunt who was going to move back home to Cincinnati also says that if they do move out here then she will stay out here cause there safety in their older age was a concern for her. My grandmother will be visiting this summer so we will see what happens in that area.

These things may seem small but I will say that Im so amazed at seeing God work in my life right now and can't wait to spend a whole other vacation time with Him. Hopefully this time won't result in breaking anything :)

March Madness!!!!

This semester is going by faster than any of the other ones in the past. There are so many project and deadlines- once again I wonder how I am supposed to get it all done. But slow and steady wins the race so it will all be good in the end. Only one thing truly looms over my head- I will be a college graduate in 58 days.

It seems like so many people get to graduation, want it over with and can easily move on with life. Though I have some sort of path mapped out I'm still wondering what the heck is going on in my life. I haven't even begun to process the fact that I'm hitting a major milestone in my life that changes so many things about me. All I know is that May is quickly approaching and my heart is filling with excitement and some sort of dread of whats next to come.

While I can't put a full name to my emotions, I am happy to discover that I still have dreams that I want to fulfill. I have seen so many friends give up their dreams due to circumstances that life has thrown them. While the sacrifice might be worth it, is it really selfish to want to deal with life and have your dreams come true? I hope not cause I intend to live my life fully- though I may not know where that may lead me.

No matter which way I turn it seems like I'm facing a precepace of life, the only decision I need to make is which direction do I leap from :)