In the Moment I Want To Say

A letter to the Captain,

My goodness, if only knew how much I miss you at times. How I miss your laugh, cheeky comments, just sitting and being us. Two people from two different worlds. If only we hadn't met back then, maybe things would have been different since I had always thought we had bad timing. I see myself now and realize we would have so much to talk about, oh so much. These past years i realized that a lot of the interests you had like you taste in music I developed later. Playful banter you would have had I could have easily quipped back. But sometimes it sucks to realize that we'll never get that chance; that our sun has long since set. Looking back we never had enough time to be friends, as a young girl I was too focused on wanting a relationship. Looking back I should have respected you more, it was only right before the end that I truly began to see who you really were. Looking back there were so many ways that I was wrong. There are things I do regret. Somethings I wish I could take back....but oh so many more that I would never change. I would do it all again though I know it would have come to this. You may never know but God used to you to foster so much in me. Because of you I started on this life long journey of learning who He is and in return who he says I am- for that I want to thank you. Because of you I have had to learn what real love is, and also what it isn't. Its been soooo long since I wore my heart on my sleeve like this ( and sad to say all those times when you saw me all dramatic and super poetic im usually looking for attention- which isn't a good thing i know but I'm being honest) I couldn't tell you what it was back then, though I want to say it was all I knew of love at the time. All I know that though I have healed from that time, there is still a scar over the piece of my heart that you will always have. Even if you wanted to give it back you couldn't....and its not a bad thing. Its not bad thing at all because you are part of my story, the tale that God is telling. It will always be that way though I care deeply for another. So though there are so many more things i wish i could say, wish i could change and see how it all could have played out - I will instead fade into the background but there are just times, like tonight, when i wish i could say"Hi" and that "I miss you...sometimes like crazy lol" But just that I miss you my friend and that as always I hope you and your family are doing well :) Tomorrow the sun will rise, and I'm sure I will put on a brave face and keep moving forward but these are the words I had for you in the moment. Until we meet again my dear captain. Until we meet again.