Trying Times

Maybe what matters isn't how the story ends, maybe just how it goes. Recently its felt like my heart has gone on lock down. I feel sort of lost and adrift. Broken.

I'm trying and trying to put in all these applications to find the job for me, its just a matter of ruling them out cause i know there is something out there for me. Meanwhile I have been trying to find something of myself. Its like the person everyone thought they knew was just a cheap outer shell and now that its shattered its up to me to figure out what is left. The other day i went to the book store and it was the first time in a long time when i took the time to just browse around. Usually my pattern has been to run to the Christian book section in order to find an answer to whatever was the matter with me. Like i have been in a constant search of fixing myself and problems. I'm starting to realize that maybe its not about fixing myself but about living and enjoying life. Like i had been focusing on my problems too much. Now I'm thinking that the only thing I have is letting God handle it all. As wonderful as that is I must admit i don't feel much joy in that right now. Cause everything though certain in His hands is up in the air for me. Maybe its another lesson in trust. I'm pretty sure thats what it is. On the upside however I can say that its very freeing for once. I'm free to discover myself and lost passion- some even that i never knew i had.

Even though I feel very tired and lost its still an exciting time. I do wonder what it will bring.

Portals and Doors

This summer thus far has been amazing. On one hand it feels like God has been pushing me and challenging me to go beyond the boundaries i made for myself. Somehow and some way He has been providing for everything left and right. Its truly been s great blessing. On the other hand it feels like suffering like someone is forcing you to stretch beyond what you can take, Its been good but its been really hard.

I've been but it a position where I have had to face the fact that my life is changing. I knew this before the semester ended but i still think that I had no idea to what magnitude it would go. So many chapters are closing. But its at times like this when we should stop staring at the door of our past that is behind us and look to the open door that's in front. The opportunities that await if we would just take the chance.

I mourn the friendships that may disintegrate. I'll miss so many things and experiences that have made my life so full these past couple years. It hurts to let go.

I don't like change. I can't stand it cause I like for things to be the way they were (unless its social change however). Consistency is safe and doesn't cause pain. But without change there isn't any growth. Without change you can't move forward. Without change you may never know who you were meant to be.

So at the beginning of my last undergrad year that is ever pressing before me, I will walk through the door of change without any regrets, many fears and many dreams wondering what to do next with only the Lord as a guide.

The adventure continues!

Alice

I got some disconcerting news yesterday pertaining to something important to me. I thought I would be mad or extremely tearful or something but i wasn't. More or less it feels like a rock got thrown in my road and i just have to figure out how to get around it without turning into a * insert curse here* Its actually quite an interesting series of events and i wonder what God wants to do. hmm I guess more or less my closing words would be

You don't know me as well as you think you do :)

Alice is falling into Wonderland...but i wonder which character am I?

Present State

Alana Grace - Black Roses Red lyrics

Hope of tomorrow has taken me captive and in its arms I hope to stay. This song inspires me to jump off the edge of fear and into the unknown with only God to catch me. ;)