Re-DO

There are times in our lives when we experience pain so great we deperately cry for a re-do. So many regret we wish we could change. And though we can't turn back the clock there is one thing we can do. Pick ourselves up and.....

Start Over.

A New Day

A New Beginning

we just have to walk in that.

In the Moment I Want To Say

A letter to the Captain,

My goodness, if only knew how much I miss you at times. How I miss your laugh, cheeky comments, just sitting and being us. Two people from two different worlds. If only we hadn't met back then, maybe things would have been different since I had always thought we had bad timing. I see myself now and realize we would have so much to talk about, oh so much. These past years i realized that a lot of the interests you had like you taste in music I developed later. Playful banter you would have had I could have easily quipped back. But sometimes it sucks to realize that we'll never get that chance; that our sun has long since set. Looking back we never had enough time to be friends, as a young girl I was too focused on wanting a relationship. Looking back I should have respected you more, it was only right before the end that I truly began to see who you really were. Looking back there were so many ways that I was wrong. There are things I do regret. Somethings I wish I could take back....but oh so many more that I would never change. I would do it all again though I know it would have come to this. You may never know but God used to you to foster so much in me. Because of you I started on this life long journey of learning who He is and in return who he says I am- for that I want to thank you. Because of you I have had to learn what real love is, and also what it isn't. Its been soooo long since I wore my heart on my sleeve like this ( and sad to say all those times when you saw me all dramatic and super poetic im usually looking for attention- which isn't a good thing i know but I'm being honest) I couldn't tell you what it was back then, though I want to say it was all I knew of love at the time. All I know that though I have healed from that time, there is still a scar over the piece of my heart that you will always have. Even if you wanted to give it back you couldn't....and its not a bad thing. Its not bad thing at all because you are part of my story, the tale that God is telling. It will always be that way though I care deeply for another. So though there are so many more things i wish i could say, wish i could change and see how it all could have played out - I will instead fade into the background but there are just times, like tonight, when i wish i could say"Hi" and that "I miss you...sometimes like crazy lol" But just that I miss you my friend and that as always I hope you and your family are doing well :) Tomorrow the sun will rise, and I'm sure I will put on a brave face and keep moving forward but these are the words I had for you in the moment. Until we meet again my dear captain. Until we meet again.

To the Fullest

Lately I have been hearing all these stories about accidents or incidents in which people have passed away. Like a little girl who always got dropped off at school but the one time she walks with her friends to middle school cause her mother was running late to work, she and her friends were slammed into by a distracted driver. She died on the scene. Of that there was a fire and all 3 children and the babysitter died in it. or even that a friend of mine lost someone close to her and is haunted my the what if moment surrounding the last time she saw him before he was a victim of a hit and run. These people were just living their lives. They had dreams and wishes they wanted to come true but abruptly came to an end. Though death is a natural part of our lives and we all (for the most part) are going to go through it, I really can't stand feeling my own mortality. That at any given moment it could all be over.

We were meant to only grace the planet a short time. And how short of a time is up to the Lord.

The psalmist King David says,

Psalm 39:4

⁴ “Show me, LORD, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting my life is.⁵ You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath even those who seem secure

I always wondered why in the world would David want to feel such a thing. It's not comfortable... and quite frankly it sucks, but I guess on some level thats the point- to get you out of your comfort zone, to make you get out of your life entitlement syndrome. When you do feel your own mortality I think it helps to give more meaning to life. You realize that you don't have all the time in the world and that you should be grateful that you were able to wake up in the morning at least.

When I think about it, I wonder in what ways is God trying to use me, whether in my family or at work, or even church. It also makes me realize the importance of loving one another and doing your best to help the world we live in. I also realize that life is too short to live in regret or to hide your true feelings. If you don't want to do something- don't do it, its your choice. If you love someone, tell them, what do you have to lose? Though it may not be reciprocated who doesn't want to know there is someone out there amongst the billions of people who care about them?

It all can be a beautiful mess of trying to figure out what to do with the life thats given, but the only thing I know to be certain is that it is a gift and should be lived to the fullest.

Birthday, Birthday Birthday!!

25....wow.

I officially turned a quarter of a century today. Not that I didn't expect to make it this far in life but I am reminded of how any day when you wake up its a blessing- cause tomorrow is never promised to us.

And though it may not mean cause its so easy to click a button, i was so shocked to see that over 50 people said a happy birthday to me on Facebook :) I guess I'm an overly sentimental gal, but I was touched to see many hard felt jokes, messages and even just a plain happy birthday. In this day and age where we are so disconnected and isolated from everyone- only letting the select few into our circles- its the least thing we can do for someone who has crossed our paths, after all why shouldn't we all celebrate a day when one of our brothers or sisters came into the world?

I really love to celebrate birthdays- mine or someone else's. I'm one of those people who thinks its a pretty big deal that someone made it to another year, cause there are plenty of people who actually don't. Preferably, there should be cake, people, and a whole lot of joy. No matter how you like to spend it- it should be how that person wants it to be - at least within reason.

For myself? I decided on making it a 3 day affair and sharing it with some people who have been dear to me.

Day One, A few of my wonderful girl friends and I took to a night on the town, getting all gussied up and dining finely at the Olive Garden. I LOVE the Olive Garden. I mean it may not be the best Italian food in the world but for whatever reason it is the best to me! I ate what I wanted- without worrying about the calories, mind you- and had a Salad, the main entrée AND dessert (usually i'm so full I never make it there but thats why they invented lovely take-out boxes )! After dinner, we went to see the Lion King since none of us had ever seen it before. We had always mean meaning to go and a friend of mine went on her birthday so I though it was a pretty great Idea. The show was AMAZING!!! I so loved it and would love to go and see it again some time... I'm thinking of taking my mom :)

Day Two, My Actual Birthday, I woke up early enough this morning all excited since I took the day off. My mommy made me my favorite breakfast ( her French Toast) and I did nothing but lounge around in my pjs ALL day. The most I have done thus far is watch Annie cause i really like it and I hadn't seen it in a while.

Day Three, to be determined.... Well when that day comes in the future we will see what happens :)

All in all I think i had a pretty great birthday, there are only 2 things that can make it better- eating my cake and hearing back from the voice I miss the most :)

New Year, New Heart

Its been quite some time since I have updated my blog, but now that I have a brand spanking new laptop in my clutches I hope not to be so neglectful :)

2011 came here so fast and I wasn't ready for it but I guess you have to learn to be. We have been going through a new series at church about rebooting ourselves for the new year and seeing in what direction our lives are heading. I would like to think I'm always the one who likes to be all wax poetic and reflective on my life but thats all a front for whats really going on inside. The truth is no one really likes to sit with their self and really find out the stuff thats wrong, the stuff that needs to change, or just facing who we have become and seeing who we want to be.

But thats all got to change

Looking over the last year I realize how blessed I truly have been. God rose up a really great group of friends when i was close to feeling abandoned. God allowed me to spend some wonderful time with my best friend/ roommate for a 1 1/2 yrs. and though it ended on some crazy terms I still love her and cherish the learning experience that erupted. I learned more about what faith looks like, what love looks like, and a lot of what it looks like to be your self and have some fun. But also on the same token I see how I have let doubt creep in, and just ultimately not caring for myself and becoming unhealthy- inside and out. I also realize even more how much i need the Grace that Jesus gives and learn how to forgive myself.

SO as this year is beginning I'm saying good bye to yesterday and hello to the bright possibilities that lie in front of me. 2011 I'm coming for you and its going to be a great story to tell!!!

One Step at a Time

Is funny how you realize when you slow down you see the amazingness that is God working in your life.

Last week I was dealt a pretty low blow when I found out that I was denied for the adavanced standing graduate program at my school. I know my idenity in Christ is not wrapped in my academic acheivements, however I would be lying if I didn't say its part of how I see myself. At the time I felt like a failure and that I didn't try hard enough to meet the GPA requirement (3.25, and I have a 3.07 cumulative GPA as of last semester). I was so upset and confused that I did the one thing that I know you shouldn't- not talk to God about it. I clammed up and refused to think that he could care about what I was going through in the moment but boy was I wrong. I rean across a co-worker who had a 3.68 GPA but because of the way they adveraged out your GPAs from the differnt schools you attended it dropped her below the requirement. We wrote letters and talked to administration about the admission process and what we could do to appeal but it was no use. Seeing someone who I felt truely deserved to get into the program more than I did really put things into persective for me. I started to realize that even though I didn't get what I wanted, maybe God said No to this because he was saying Yes to something else. If I get accepted into the regular graduate program I will be able to enjoy and work over the summer and save for things I would need in my role as a future case manager for my company. I also don't know if God is also positioning things because there may be more facets to my personal life.
I have to remind myself to trust God and that he does have plans for my good even in the dark places. And He has been amazing at replacing my pain with a joy like no other over what may come this summer.

I have also come to find that my grandparent might be thinking about moving out here as well, which will be an amazing blessing so that I will be able to spend more time with them. My aunt who was going to move back home to Cincinnati also says that if they do move out here then she will stay out here cause there safety in their older age was a concern for her. My grandmother will be visiting this summer so we will see what happens in that area.

These things may seem small but I will say that Im so amazed at seeing God work in my life right now and can't wait to spend a whole other vacation time with Him. Hopefully this time won't result in breaking anything :)

March Madness!!!!

This semester is going by faster than any of the other ones in the past. There are so many project and deadlines- once again I wonder how I am supposed to get it all done. But slow and steady wins the race so it will all be good in the end. Only one thing truly looms over my head- I will be a college graduate in 58 days.

It seems like so many people get to graduation, want it over with and can easily move on with life. Though I have some sort of path mapped out I'm still wondering what the heck is going on in my life. I haven't even begun to process the fact that I'm hitting a major milestone in my life that changes so many things about me. All I know is that May is quickly approaching and my heart is filling with excitement and some sort of dread of whats next to come.

While I can't put a full name to my emotions, I am happy to discover that I still have dreams that I want to fulfill. I have seen so many friends give up their dreams due to circumstances that life has thrown them. While the sacrifice might be worth it, is it really selfish to want to deal with life and have your dreams come true? I hope not cause I intend to live my life fully- though I may not know where that may lead me.

No matter which way I turn it seems like I'm facing a precepace of life, the only decision I need to make is which direction do I leap from :)