2010 bout to begin! Suck it!

2010 Rang in with a bang for me with new goals and adventures that waited just around the corner. I recently got hired at the site where I last did my practicum and by the sheer grace of God I was able to gain a working position doing most of what I love. Little did I know that all the time I was hustling and trying to scrap the the streets for a job, the Lord was using my circumstances in order to create a position for me there. I now have the foot in the door in my field and my hope is that the only place I can go from here is up- becoming a actual case manager.

This semester I'm going to FINALLY be graduating!! Thank goodness....after taking a semester off and switching my major. But though I will be getting my diploma, a students work is never done because I will be turning in my applications for grad school- headed straight for the Masters program. And if im lucky i might get into the advanced standing program where I only have to do 42 credits instead of 60. woot!

I will be getting my license- both the driving license ( Hey my mom doesn't have her's so I'm good!!) and my License to practice social work here in Nevada. But I'm freaking out cause you only get to take the test twice aftet that you can only take if you get another degree :( And for the most part people only pass with like a 75% so its kind of a big, flippin deal.

And to top it all off my church has been doing a 21 day fast in which God has been talking to me in some crazy ways. Now when it comes to fasting, I'm usually very private about what and when I do. I also don't talk about it unless I feel led to because I truely feel a fast is to be between yourself and God; a private time of cosecration to hear from one another. Now I'm not holier than holy or none of that cause to be honest- fasting is the hardest thing for me to do cause I hate giving anything up even if its for the Lord sadly, but this time that we have spent together has been really good. And most of my time I spent praying for more people than myself- which is good, but not what i had in mind.

Just looking back from the last time I wrote anything in the blog I see how God has worked in me. And I just want to say for anyone who has put up with glancing at this blog- Man I was a drama queen and sorry you had to deal with it!! Don't get me wrong cause the best way to see where you are going is to look where you have been, but at the same time you have to laugh at yourself along the way in order to grow. And boy was I on one. Lately God has just been showing me that He is faithful many times over and that I'm ok- so I need to stop trippin. I may not have everything that I want but I'm right where I need to be and have all that I need. I have been learning to let somethings go and to let God handle the rest. And I know for certain that he will do just that. I have also learned that our God is just hilarious and will pull some crazy stuff.

So from now on, I'm revamping this blog and moving forward. I hope to add more joy to this page and just be myself. When you start living for others or some ideal of who you want to be rather than who you are- life sucks. So throw it a tootsie pop and tell it to suck on that!

*FYI: When you go to the bathroom you are supposed to wash your hands for more that 5 secs- WITH SOAP- otherwise you're just NASTY!

Look! No Hands!!

This semester has blown by like autumn leaves in the street. I can't say that im too sad about it either. I'm the type of girl who often doesn't take the time to enjoy the now. I'm always looking for the next leg of the journey cause what I have in the present never seems like enough. Like I want to press the fastforward button to get to the good part. but by doing that you always miss what a present the present actually is!

My challange lately has been to find out what living in the present looks like and letting the Lord deal with the important stuff that I would rather worry about. I will tell you right now, its hard to hand those things that you consider precious over to the Lord- if they were'nt important you would worry about them right? But a good friend of mine mention that by doing that its giving it to the person who can keep it safe the most. Almost like investment banking!! So I have given my "treasures" to the King and am going to see what He is going to do with them. I just have to make sure that everytime i feel the itch to worry about things to place it where it belongs,with Him.

So as such, the present has become my stomping ground and i really don't know what tomorrow holds. I just know that I'm going to appreciate each day as another step in the journey.

Wait for Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdlVFqI4rZo

Wait for Me by Theory of a Deadman

You are not alone tonight

Imagine me there by your side

It's so hard to be here so far away from you

I'm counting the days till I'm finally done

I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one

It feels like forever till I return to you

But it helps me on those lonely nights

It's that one thing that keeps me alive

Chorus: Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside

We hang up the phone without saying goodnight

Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home

It's never been easy to say

But it's easier when I've gone away

Chorus: Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and

It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Bridge: What I'd give

What I'd do

Knowing I'm not there for you

Makes it so hard to leave

What I'd give

What I'd do

Anything to get me home to you

And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having

And It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Watch me Work!

It takes a lot of strength to face your fears. Especially if it is fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of stepping out of anything that you find familiar and safe. But I think in life it is sometimes necessary for growth. I talk about this all the time- and yet it always seems like I sit on my words. I hope this time will not just be talk but will be the catalyst for a new reaction.

God is doing some rebuilding in my life, He is restoring what was destroyed and making things better than they were before. As He is doing all of this, it is not my job just to sit here and do nothing- no He has told me to be strong and work! Not just like working at a job or anything but I think work in the rebuilding and the sooner I get with the program the sooner we can move from point A to point B.

Honestly I'm not sure what this work looks like and I think that's half of the discovery process. And as goal oriented as I am I can't say that by any certain date will I know when the rebuilding will be done. All I know is that I am at a point where I am tired of hearing the call to work and I'm honestly not doing anything. Then I go and complain about things and well...maybe if I got a move on things honestly wouldn't be so bad as I think they are or at least I would have something different to look forward too.

So that is my goal- to work and help rebuild what was broken inside of me and not be disobedient by doing nothing for all this time.

My Best Friend's Wedding: Chicken Women

I hate movies with sad endings. I really don't like them because when I watch a movie I want to be entertained. I want to leave a little joyful, adrenaline rushed or with hope for tomorrow. Why? Cause Life is depressing enough!!! I don't want that reaffirmed when I'm being "entertained"!! So usually I will watch a sad movie once, even if the ending is really good, and not again cause it hurts too much. So you can see the problem as we watched My Best Friend's Wedding last night.

I wasn't oppose to watch it, I just knew I was going to cry. I warned them I was going to cry...and I did. I cried because I empathize so much with Julia Robert's character- well at least with what she felt. She knew her friend loved her for 9 years and for 9 YEARS did nothing but run away from her feelings and sit on them. When she finds out he was planning on marrying another girl she realizes how much she wants to be with him and though she gets a million chances in the movie that could have worked out in her favor she made up all these lies and didn't tell hm to the very last second where he obviously was chasing after his bride leaving her in the dust.

I hate that she did nothing for 9 years. I hate that she didn't take the chance to say what she really felt.I hate that her only other option ( she thought) instead of telling the truth was trying to ruin his life in hopes he would come to her in the end. Cause how many of us woman actually do that? Or atleast think about it - unless we develop balls of steel and just throw caution to the wind and take the risk!! I was talking to the friend and the question was wasn't he worth the risk? Sure you might get hurt, sure your heart may break but holding in your true feeling like that is the true self torture. Loving and letting them get away has to be a worse pain than any of that. It makes your heart hurt in ways you can't imagine.

Yet how many chances do we lose? Cause of our fear or pride. I think those really are the tools of Satan right there. Granted telling your true feelings is not a sure way to happily ever after, but it sure seems better than the not knowing. Than the what could have been.

All I know is that there are times when we are given chances- many more are lost than used I think. But every now and then, someone comes along and makes you regret every chance you have ever given up and you have to live with the decisions you have made while hoping for another one.

Learn the lesson or suffer the heartache people.

Low Tide

So much change is in the air and i can say it feels amazing.

Tomorrow starts the first day of my internship and its amazing- i know its going to be hard and a struggle at times but I'm so ready for it.

I'm starting to become a grown up and being a good steward of my money- I figured if God blessed me with it then he would want me to be responsible and not waste it. So i made a budget :)

My sibling are all now in all day school. The youngest just entered first grade yesterday and my parent's house is dead quiet. MOVIE TIME!!!

Lastly, something is coming...a big change and i can't put my finger on it. I half feel like I'm going crazy sensing things in my spirit but...its coming and its something good. Something exciting! Its like waiting for the tide to come in- i know whatever it is won't be here for a few months but its coming and i have to get ready some way as I wait on edge. I can't wait!

Summer Set

This weekend the summer is coming to a close- official only by the start of school. I have been waiting so long for it to end. I have enjoyed myself but at this point I feel like I have been living inside my head more than i can stand. The longer you sit still the longer you mull thoughts over, the more you do that the more dirt you dig up, the more you dig up the more pain you feel, the more pain the more baggage you realize you have. The sad part is that i want summer to end cause i know i will be super busy these last two semester so the more work the less time i will have to think about things i would rather forget you know?

Cutting ties, cutting strings and," I will see you when I see you". Actually it kind of hurts.

If you want to be honest, I'm happy its ending so i can stop faking whats really going on with me to people. I mean my close friends know, trusted people from church, if I love you I will tell you( if you ask me that is)- anyone else I will put on the smiley face, keep the answers vague and pretend what ever I have to be that the situation allows. Its not right but its what I do till i figure whats top and whats bottom or at least if i want to let you through the wall.

My summer has been amazing- crap and all. Cause I know God has been growing me and stretching me in ways that I'm sure will have meaning some day. I have spent many weeks with the most wonderful of friends laughing, talking about life, watching movies and playing RockBand. I have started serving at my church which has opened up a total new dimension to my life. My family is amazing right now and getting ready for school. And I am awaiting what will happen next as the Fall unfolds :)