How Many Times do I have to Say Stop?

I wish I could say that i have gotten better at posting but obviously I haven't haha. But I felt compelled to come out of my writer's hibernation in order to vent to the free world and let my cries be known.

The one thing I really want to tell people is stop trying too hard, just stop. Ok, perhaps some back story is needed. So I had this guy friend who seemed cool in the beginning but it quickly seemed like he was fishing for something more than just friendship. We had a small group, met at bible study everything was fine. Then me and a good friend of mine realized that he was talked to both of us at the same time- and in a similar fashion. Call me coo coo but that's a no no in any girl's book, especially if they are friends and they TALK. Anyways, this went on and on with spurts of communication here and there- all initiated on his part mind you. So I would nonchalantly respond, being friendly ( key word there) as I think it would be a jerkish move to lead someone on when you know you don't think of them that way, know they are talking to more than one person at once ( and mind you it sounded like i was the #2 option anyway) and if you know God is not bringing you that person for THAT reason. Eventually this culminated on my friend's end into asking her out...which she of like mind as mine turned him down and then I start receiving more texts like a week later- not to mention it being a bit awkward when we had met up at the movies a little bit prior as well. I started off not responding but even in that i felt like a jerk though i knew where the rabbit hole would slowly go. I texted back... and sure enough it didn't take long to get invited to something...it was an event that all 3 of us had been talking about for a while but each time someone seemed to forget the answer I previously gave them before. So I gave a wishy-washy answer but later felt convicted that if this was something I really didn't want, I really needed to be fair and decline. So I did..which lead to asking if i was interested in a particular sport. Now, me and my always psychologically analytic mind could foresee where this line of questioning would lead so I straight up called him out and asked if he was trying to ask me out on a date. He proceeded to tell me that he has liked and previously wanted to kiss me. I'm not even going to tell you my initial reaction cause it wasn't the best but I can say that I know the courage it takes to tell someone your feelings and its not pleasant. Though the words were flattering, I had to admit to him that I had no romantic feelings towards him what so ever...like none..like you remind me of my brother and I'm not into incest none. And I had to tell the truth before things got worse. Hours lather his response to cover his pride and the fact that he just got popped in the proverbial balls was that it was in the past, and while I'm pretty, I'm just not deep enough for him...right. Way to back pedal real quick bub.  And no offense, you can't reject someone after they already rejected you- duh.I didn't give anything in response- why should I? And as a lady and someone with some class, I let sleeping dogs lie other than this lovely posting.

The thing that keeps getting me over and over though is that the whole thing was trying to hard, ALL OF IT. Just too much too fast and it wasn't  working. Not to mention he was caught lying. Not to mention he sure does hop girls really quick and not to mention it was so fake it was ridiculous. But as sad as it is to witness it, I realize that I have had a similar mind set once upon a time ( just with more class cause i'm a 1 guy at a time 

kind of gal). I think it cause as people we have a strong desire to connect and be desired by others- to find our mate at a certain point in our lives. Without God truly in the driver's seat of that train its disastrous and we do all sort of crazy crap like have feelings for someone for 4 years and can't even look them in the eye or tell them or all you could do as act like a fool in SOO many ways you wish you could take it back so you didn't seem like a crazy person.. but obviously now its too late. Can't exactly tell everyone you  bared you heart to that you are all better now and it was the crazy hormones and thought of hope ( more like delusions of grandure) that took over and turned you into someone you aren't. As for me, because of that life changing event I ran as far as I from the people who I called friends who knew that not so secret secret cause all I felt was shame and made fun of ( even if it didn't really happen, I couldn't help but feel that there were some laughs at my expense...though to me it was not a laughing matter and I was really misled by something that shook me spiritually  and mentally  (another long story). And to this day I have felt like a fool in one way or another. Anyway the point being, sometimes we try so hard to have people like us that it turns us into something we aren't. For whatever reason we really might want a person't attention but end up with egg on our face. Sometimes we get so blinded that instead of attracting folks we end up repelling them cause our trying just stinks.

My advice, stop trying so hard. If you want someone to like you- just be you. Let things unfold naturally and if they don't, don't press the matter. If someone tells you No- accept it. The first time especially if you are a boy ( no offense if you can't accept no then what makes me think you will accept no to more important things * hint hint*) People don't realize that sometimes they are just doing too much. When it is your time, it will be as cheesy as it sounds, and if its not then you know to enjoy your self a while longer. Sometimes we just need to stop cause what ever we are trying isn't working and we are failing miserably...

Resurgence

Resurgence : a rising again into life, activity, or prominence 

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Welcome 2013. As I reflect back on the last few years I think its amazing to think of how different I feel now as to then. Over the past I have learned a lot about myself, a bit more of what I want in life and  more about God's loving character. I also had a few mind blowing epiphanies that are just plan common sense.

1. When I was 19, I had ABSOLUTELY no idea what love was or even what a relationship was supposed to look like. Looking back on the situation now the greatest gift I was ever given were the words " I don't think I should be in a relationship right now" and "I don't think we ever should have dated".

2. Until you know who you are, what you are looking for and can understand the purpose and value of a relationship through God's lens its best to stay single for a while. You'd be surprised how much God will use you in the mean time.

3. After my wonderful 8 year track record, I finally faced my biggest regret and deepest shame.  But I was recently reminded that regardless, I never did anything wrong so I have nothing to be ashamed about. I don't have to be ashamed of my heart. I would be more specific but I've already been specific with too many people who have shown to be untrustworthy. My bad and ignorance.

4. Complacency is never good ever. ever.

5. No matter how much you cry, complain and whine, its nice to know that you have a God who will put your best interest before any of your desires cause knows those things that you can't see.

6. Never apologize for your education

7. Let few in your closest circle.

8. Give back when you can

9. Get Inspired

10. Its ok to love yourself, be yourself and to find those that would do the same

So all in all, there have been a lot of lessons learned. A lot of tears fallen, battles fought, lost and ultimately won. I guess my biggest lesson that I have learned is life is too short and I am tired of BS. I want to dance in the sunshine, kiss in the rain and make the most with what I have been blessed with SO yeah... lol Here is to 2013!!

Metamorphosis

Spotlight on. Microphone Check.

Hello happy people who happen upon my works of prose, I am BACK!

Lot of things have happened since our last meeting in July. For one fall semester is in full swing and I am enjoying school and practicum, I hit my year mark as case manager with my agency, birthdays galore, I went to the BIGBANG Concert ( AMAZING...sigh...), Vac-kay to visit Jess in San Diego, CA, and just took some time to think all in the same month.

Space to think is always awesome cause I can finally take time to think about my life and which way its headed. I have been learning more about my likes and dislikes, things I can live with and things that continue to eat at me and I can't take them. I have formed new goals and aspirations that are waiting to be obtained and a refreshed outlook that will help me with forward motion.

I'm excited to bring all the different parts of my life back into balance, including my relationship with God. Its been so wonderful to realize that I don't have to be a prisoner to my own life and that I have the freedom to live life abundantly ( though I'm still learning what that all entails).  I am excited to see the rest of the changes coming in the next month...but first I think i will start with hair dye :)

Drive

What drives and motivates people?

I know there are too many answers to that question to count but it would really be helpful these days. You see though there is no real reason for me to complain about my life, I have come to find that I have a caught a lack of drive. It feels like life has become so mundane. Go to sleep. eat. work. repeat.

I mean do have bouts of going out with friends, trips, doing the fun stuff, but once that's over its back to the same routine.

There are a few things I would really like to change, especially coming up to year 27 in my life before i don't get any more. Like losing weight, getting more active in the community and actually getting a real hobby for once. My good friend suggested a 27 things before 27 list.

I'm at this point where I have come to realize that the more you are in good health and are taking care of yourself ( body and mind) the better. And then the door of possibilities open up for you, dreams you never even realized come to pass and your life is full. 

But while all of that sounds amazing and great, I just won't get up and do it. I know the problem ends and starts with me but i can't even sit up long enough to press the start button...i think that's a bit of a problem. How much more life must i miss cause of my own sheer laziness or lack of motivation? I need that drive...I need my passion back. And you'd think that cause i know where the root of the problem is it would be an easy fix right? Go figure. But that's my next mission. I need to just do and may then that passion will arise.

Then I'll go all phoenix on them and the world won't know what happened ;)  #rebirth

Dodging Bullets Like I'm Superman

A little inspiration after putting some thoughts to rest.

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Pandora has a box

I want to peek inside

Not sure if i should run

Or see what I can find

Pandora has a box

But God has a plan

And because of curiosity

He saved me once again

Pandora has a box

Jesus laid it to rest

Resolving inclination

Residing in my chest

Pandora had a box

But now that box is gone

Jesus took it in a flash

And that is how we won

I'm dodging bullets like I'm Superman, yall'

Take a Breath and 5 Steps

Time to kick off the new year!!!

Blogging is such an interesting outlet of expression. You can come and go as you please; let it die and resurrect it all over again which is kind of like many other things in life. Dream, desires. goals.

It all can change in a moment. I know mine have

And in honors of the passing Valentine's Day I will write a little somethin' somethin' on my newer passing thoughts.

This Valentine's Day was spend cooking a great pasta dish and making cookie tarts for my cousin and Auntie, followed by A Walk In the Clouds which is always a good watch (mmm. Keanu)

This year was quite different than ones in years past cause instead of droning on being alone (pathetic, yes?) it quite frankly felt like any other day but just a hint of special-ness. But it did bring me to some interesting musings about love, check it out!

1. How you can't put love on a time table no matter how much you would like too.

2.You also can't force it to happen cause thats way to painful.

3.Just because people are attracted to each other does not mean they were meant to be with together. And to

4. Let go and Let God ( literally...literally) It's so much easier in the end. And also

5.Be honest with yourself with what you want and don't want out of a mate and a relationships.

If you just complete these 5 steps, love will initiate itself and it will save you a whole lot of trouble and heart ache in the end.

Now what I want to know is why did it take me 7 whole years to realize and fully understand all this? Lord knows...but I would gladly like to say that my love life is His problem now

*cue Rocky music*

Kissing 2011 Farewell

Good bye 2011, It was a very good year. Better than most I have had and I wonder how it will get even better. The biggest thing I have learned this year is to not put God in a box and not to be afraid of extraordinary change, especially if it is for the better. I learned that life is either to be lived or wasted and it is your choice to make. And I have learned that while love can be ever elusive, its actually quite simple, let go and just do it since its an action anyway.

I pray that the new year find you in a better place than the last and leads you anew. I pray that life is embarrassed in full and you find peace, joy, love, and hope in the Lord as He lights your way this New Year's<3